‘Good Enough is the New Perfect’

I first started following Hollee Schwartz Temple (the one on the left) on Twitter mainly because she’s an author and I loved the title of her book: Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood

Then I heard her speak at a conference on a panel about work-life balance. Hollee began by asking the audience, “How many of you were raised to believe you could do anything and be anything?” Most hands went up. “And how many of you took that to mean you should DO EVERYTHING and BE EVERYTHING?” Everyone laughed -- and raised their hands.

Her talk really hit home for me, so I was thrilled when she sent me a copy of her book. (Can you tell by the picture I found a thing or 2 of interest?)

FINALLY, someone has addressed the real issues that plague me and most of my mom friends these days. Why, when we have so many choices, are most of us still struggling? When the real world isn’t as clear-cut as working or staying home with your kids, where are all the role models who are successfully navigating the in-between? And why do so many of us feel like we’re going it alone?

While Hollee and her co-author, journalist Becky Beaupre Gillespie, surveyed over 900 women and conducted in-depth interviews with 100 of them, it’s the authors’ personal stories that resonated deeply with me. When Hollee describes counting down the minutes until bedtime when her boys were small, then feeling guilty for not appreciating them, I thought, That is me. And when Becky describes how she didn’t want anyone to think she was “just a mom,” so when someone asked her what she did, she described what she’d done BEFORE becoming a mom? Yeah, that’s me, too.

I’ll be honest: at first, several of the high-achieving women interviewed in the book sparked envy in me. Prominent lawyers, a VP for Christie’s, successful entrepreneurs. But then I read on, and discovered all their worries and frustrations sounded eerily similar to mine. Also? The women who weren’t happy were longing not for more prestige or bigger paychecks, but for more time with their families, more fulfilling work, more connection with friends and neighbors – all stuff I have in spades. Hmmm, so if you look at “success” in THAT light...maybe it’s not just the moms with the impressive business cards who can claim it.

If there’s one common theme I’ve noticed among all the moms I’ve met over the last 5 years since I became one myself, it’s that nearly every one of them -- stay-at-home, working, or somewhere in between -- is WAY too hard on herself. I’ve heard moms apologize for letting their kids eat an occasional donut, for their child not being potty trained yet, for not enrolling their second or third child in enough enriching activities. I’ve heard moms beat themselves up for working too much, earning too little, and needing more help. It’s madness, people. MADNESS.

Not only that, but it’s a terrible example for our kids. You’re not successful unless you’re awesome at everything? Gwyneth Paltrow notwithstanding, that’s an impossible goal for most of us mere mortals. (BTW, even Gwyn admits she’s bad at math. Possibly the only thing we have in common.) Personally, I’d like my kids to have a broader definition of success -- and to learn that it’s OK to define it for themselves.

Buy the book. It’s $9.41 on Amazon. You probably spend that much at Starbucks on a latte and overpriced baked goods. I guarantee you will come away with a new perspective on success, motherhood, and what “having it all” really means to you.

QUOTE O’ THE WEEK: “We do not need to be perfect to be successful moms, professionals or women.” - Becky Beaupre Gillespie and Hollee Schwartz Temple

A Working Mom's Wakeup Call

Back when I was single and childless, I got into a heated discussion with my future brother-in-law (also single and childless) in a cab on the way home from a bar one night. I don’t remember how we got into it, but we were discussing whether mothers should work or stay home to raise their children.

With the self-righteous conviction that only clueless 20-somethings can have, we were both convinced that we were completely right. My BIL was firmly in the SAHM camp; I was staunchly in favor of working moms.

Boy, was it a cruel wakeup call when I found out the issue wasn’t that black-and-white. I suppose I could’ve looked around the global media company where I was working then and noticed not a single person I knew was a mother of young kids.

There was a pregnant woman (what ever happened to her?) and there was one with school-age kids who lasted less than a year. But that’s it. In fact, the 3 most senior women in my department were all childless.

Marriage and kids weren’t even on my radar at that point, so I didn’t give it much thought. Though I do remember thinking that the on-site daycare they bragged about in those “best places to work” articles was kind of a joke. I’d heard ours was pricey and had a year-long waiting list.

That job was a bad fit for me for many reasons, not least of which was that while I ostensibly was hired for my editorial experience, I wrote almost nothing. Just a lot of e-mails and memos. I was essentially a highly-paid meeting attendee.

So when I got married and had a baby, I wasn’t all gung-ho to be that corporate working mom I’d argued so strenuously for in my 20’s. I’d found a nice little niche as a freelance writer and I got to spend time with my baby. And then I encountered another round of wakeup calls. Like how hard it was to work around a baby’s schedule and drum up assignments I could do from home. Also hard? Finding part-time affordable childcare.

Even now, years later, when I’ve finally found some semblance of balance, I am shocked at:

a) how many people think I don’t “really” work because I’m self-employed, don’t go to an office, and have irregular hours;

b) ask when I plan to get a “real job” (as if I could just waltz out and command a lucrative, flexible staff position in my field whenever I felt like it);

c) how many people still think staying home with your children full-time or working outside the home full-time are the only 2 options for moms.

This is all a long wind-up to telling you about an amazing new book, Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood It delves into all these issues and more, backed up by new research and extensive interviews with all sorts of working moms -- doctors, lawyers, pretzel entrepreneurs, mom bloggers, web-TV hosts.

I devoured my advance copy in 3 days. In another post, I’ll tell you more about the book. But for now, I’m happy just to report that it assured me I’m not crazy, I’m not alone, and I don’t have to choose between 2 oversimplified options that don’t fit my life.

QUOTE O’ THE WEEK: “I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.” -- Unknown

Clean House? Not So Much

I may have mentioned a time or 20 how I try to squeeze as much freelance work into as little kid-free time as possible, which necessitates arrangements so complex that pulling off a triple axel on dull ice skates seems easy in comparison.

So it was nothing short of a miracle when the mom of my son’s classmate offered to give him a ride home once a week. This meant Miles could stay an extra couple hours for the after-school program instead of being forced to come home and be quiet while his baby brother naps and I work. Plus, I wouldn’t have to cut the baby’s nap short to pick him up. Win-win, right?

The first time this other mom brought Miles home, however, her son needed to come in to use the bathroom. Terror shot through me.

You see, people, our bathroom is not what you’d call “guest ready.” Not only do we not have decorative hand towels and French-milled soaps, but you’re lucky if there’s toilet paper and no puddle on the floor. You might find a half-eaten banana in the bathtub, a sippy cup of milk in the sink, and a toothpaste self-portrait finger-painted on the mirror.

It’s disgusting. I know. But when you have 2 small, exceedingly messy boys and no time (or cleaning lady), that’s what you get. Certainly if we’re expecting guests I’ll run a Clorox wipe over the counters and toilet and chuck the mess behind the shower curtain. But if it’s just us, what’s the point? A clean bathroom lasts only until the first potty break.

So, disguising the panic in my voice, I said to this other mom, “Sure! Of course! Let me just run in there real quick and make sure we have hand soap.” (As if. That was used up long ago when the boys decided to give their action figures a bubble bath in the sink.)

The next week, I was prepared. The bathroom was passably clean. But this time she asked to fill up her kid’s water bottle in the kitchen. Where she encountered a sink full of dirty dishes from breakfast… and lunch. I was humiliated. I’m not striving to be Martha Stewart, but there are low standards and then there are frat-boy standards. We were probably violating several health codes in the kitchen and bathroom alone.

So the following week, my house was CLEAN. Really clean. (I mean, not under-the-couch clean, but come ON. Let’s be realistic here.) And you know what happened? The other mom was running late and drove off without stepping foot in our immaculate abode.

I took some small, sick comfort in the fact that when my son came home from a playdate at their house, he said the kid’s room was really messy.

READ O' THE WEEK: In case you missed it, here's my article on "The Truth About Kids and TV." You'd think I could clean while my kids are watching a show, but no.

Being a WAHM Is All Fun & Games

Is your life lacking excitement? Dull, predictable, each day like the one before? Have I got a solution for you -- become a work-at-home mom! Your days will be FILLED with challenges and games, like:

Phone tag. Need to reach an important person ASAP? Call him first thing in the morning before your husband leaves for work; get his voicemail. Then HE calls YOU back while you’re in the preschool drop-off line; gets your voicemail. Then YOU call HIM back as soon as you get home, but he’s tied up until 12 – the exact worst time for you, doing the pick-up/lunchtime/naptime hustle. This game can go on for DAYS!

Extreme juggling. You’ve got a packed day filled with meetings, phone calls, and deadlines. Just as you’re leaving the house, the phone rings. It’s the school – surprise! School’s cancelled due to a power outage. OR, it’s the sitter calling in sick. Time to juggle!

Phone backup sitter; find out she can only take the baby. Phone classmate to line up playdate for your older kid; find out that mom can do it, but only for 2 hours. Beg your husband to go into work late; find out he has an important appointment he can’t reschedule. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. You always do! Isn’t this EXCITING?!?!

Pajama parties. OK, maybe working into the wee hours in your PJs isn’t exactly a party, but you always said you wanted to experience the thrill of those late nights again, didn’t you? Only now the excitement isn’t who will you meet or what new club will you get into, but will your computer crash before you back up that important file and will your printer run out of ink before you print out that crucial contract?

7 Minutes in Heaven. No, not the kissing game in the closet. Those 7 minutes of silence you may or may not get to make a phone call during that brief period when the baby’s nap overlaps with the preschooler’s TV show. Those precious few minutes when no one is wailing from their crib, pulling on your arm for a snack, or calling loudly from the bathroom for you to come wipe them.

The thing is, you never know if you’re going to get those 7 silent minutes or not. And that’s the fun of it!!

Musical childcare. Drop off son at school, drop off baby at sitter’s. Work. Pick up son at school, take him to friend’s house for a playdate. Pick up baby from sitter’s, take him home for a nap. Work. Ask neighbor to come over and sit with baby while you run to pick up son from playdate. Ask husband to come home early so you can finish up your work. If any piece of this puzzle falls through for any reason, see “Extreme juggling” above.

I’m telling you, it's nothing but nonstop fun and games around here. Also, coffee. Lots and LOTS of coffee. So what are you waiting for? Become a work-at-home mom today and join the party! But watch out -– all the excitement might kill you.

Is Being a WAHM Bad for Business?

OK, so I promised I would discuss That Chapter of the book I wrote about in a recent post. (Although, surprisingly, @UnMarketing has so far been UnResponsive to my review of his book. Hmm...)

Anyway, the chapter is titled “Why Being a Work-at-Home Mom Is Bad for Business.” In it, the author says “claiming that you work from home, especially if you have children, can give people the perception that they may not be your priority as clients.” He later adds, “If you mention you have three kids under six years old and you’re homeschooling them, then I question when the work for me, the work I need done and am paying you to do, is going to get done.”

The thing is: he’s not wrong. I do think it’s unprofessional to conduct business while your children run amok and shriek in the background. Hello? That’s what babysitters (and TV) are for.

That said, there are a lot of different work-at-home scenarios. For instance, you could be:

- A fulltime, salaried employee who works in an office except when your kid’s sick or you have a childcare crisis and are forced to work from home.*

- A salaried employee who works full- or part-time at home while your children are at school or being cared for by someone else.

- A freelancer or other self-employed person who works at home while your children are at school, asleep, or being cared for by someone else.

- A freelancer or other self-employed person who works at home but doesn’t see the need--or doesn’t want to pay for--childcare.

This last group seems to be the one the author is describing. And these people? Are delusional. (I'm talking about people in my situation who have toddlers, not teenagers.)

Look, I can understand the motivation. If you’re a freelancer, you essentially work on commission. Or, to put it another way, you only eat what you kill. It makes budgeting tough. So the strategy of trying to squeeze in as much work as you can with as little paid childcare as possible is understandable. But it’s hard. Trust me, I know.

If you work in a laid-back field or with other at-home parents, it might not be a big deal. You might even be blessed with understanding clients who don’t care if “Spongebob” blares in the background. I had one such client who said he didn’t mind. But *I* minded. I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate fully and give him the attention his project deserved. So I scheduled our call for another time.

I’ve had to make some serious sacrifices to be a WAHM. I gave up my office space, which I rented with a couple other self-employed folks. I work very limited hours right now, and feel the pinch in my paycheck. I have all but given up projects that require phone interviews, for the above reasons.

Also, when you work from home there’s always the chance that a snow day or a nap boycott will derail your day. If you’re on deadline, you’re up a creek. Remember the blizzard of 2010? I worked my BUTT off to make sure I met my deadlines and delivered what I’d promised my clients. It was hell. But I did it.

If you read the entire chapter in “UnMarketing” (all 2 pages of it), it’s clear the author is really saying, don’t lead with the fact that you’re a WAHM in your marketing materials. I agree. I said as much to fellow writer and WAHM Angie Mizzell in her latest article for Hybrid Mom: I don’t advertise the fact that I'm a WAHM, but if it comes up I'll mention it.

And it turns out it's not such a big deal if you meet your deadlines and do good work. Meetings with one of my favorite clients usually start with a discussion about our kids. It’s a great way to connect before we get down to business. And after all, as a wise man once said, people do business with people they know, trust, and like. ;)

*BTW, this group has provided some of my favorite blog posts ever. Check out Not Mommy of the Year’s “A Taste of Work at Home” and PineappleBabble’s “SAHM.” LOL!

Babies and Business Books

If you don’t know who Scott Stratten is, he’s like the Justin Bieber of social media. Except he’s an adult and his haircut doesn’t make me want to punch someone.

He’s what business-types call an “influencer,” which means he has a lot of followers on Twitter (@unmarketing). And you know how I love my Twitter. I forget how he got on my radar but I really started paying attention when he launched this video for one of his clients: www.ReflectionsofMotherhood.com

Stratten has a new book out called “UnMarketing.” I bought it for myself and my husband because we often sit up late at night discussing the Internet and how to be successful while remaining authentic to our true selves. And also, whose turn it is to empty the diaper pail.

You may be surprised that I read business books. After all, I spend much of my time chronicling my baby’s (ill-timed) bowel movements and making dance videos of my preschooler. What can I say? I’m a multifaceted person.

In addition to being a mom, I am self-employed as a freelance writer, editor, and writing instructor. My first boss -- who, incidentally, was also named Scott -- always told me I was destined to be an entrepreneur. Maybe it was because of my inappropriate office-wear (Doc Martens and mini kilts) rather than my passion and business savvy, but whatever.

In a way, he was right. Sure, he may have imagined me running a publishing empire like him rather than writing about baby poo in my pajamas. But to each her own, right?

Anyway, in between diapers, I read up on engaging with the marketplace and building my platform. I know how to throw around terms like “out of pocket” and “paradigm shift.” (Even though I really hate people who do.)

And part of what I like about Stratten’s book is that he DOESN’T bombard you with business jargon. (Except for the “pull and stay,” which sounds like a dog-training technique if you ask me.) He writes like (I imagine) he speaks, and it’s easy for regular people like me to understand. Also, he’s funny. Even his FOOTNOTES are funny. And I can tell you from years of copyediting, that’s a feat.

The book spends a lot of time discussing social media and why you should care about it. It also includes many eye-opening examples of what businesses like Walmart and Zappos.com are doing right… and wrong.

My one criticism is that it’s not clear exactly who the book’s intended audience is. As someone who considers herself more a creative type than a business person, I could’ve skipped the chapters on trade shows and teleseminars. But let’s face it: I’m as much a capitalist as the next gal. Baby needs a new pair of Crocs, people! And titanium strollers don’t grow on trees.

Stratten does use some examples that ARE relevant to me, like the Motrin mom ad campaign debacle, and how and why viral videos work. (Because I genuinely did wonder how a video could sell nursing bras.)

But my biggest take-away was from his chapter on experts. “When you position yourself as an expert with useful information for people,” writes Stratten, “your marketplace will always have a need for that information.” Notice he says AN expert, not THE expert.

I can get behind that. After all, I am something of an expert on this mom stuff. For instance:

• I know that orange juice needs to be served in a straw-top cup, not a sippy cup, because the pulp will block the holes.
  


• I know that there’s a big difference between creamy Desitin and original Desitin. (You want original, which is the thick, white paste.)
  


• I know that skipping a kid’s nap is ALWAYS a bad idea.
  

And after 14+ years as a freelance writer, yeah, I’d say I’m an expert on that, too. I know that I am a skilled wordsmith with something valuable to offer clients, even if I make PB&J’s between business calls.

So thanks, Scott(s), for the encouragement and insights. For a couple of business-types, you’re all right.

FIGHTIN’ WORDS O’ THE WEEK: Oh, we WILL talk about Stratten’s chapter, “Why Being a Work-at-Home-Mom Is Bad for Business,” mark my words. That’s a whole separate post...

Is Dr. Phil Off-Base?

You know I love my O magazine. So naturally, I dove into it the minute it arrived yesterday. When I got to Dr. Phil’s column, though, this Q&A brought me up short. It hits pretty close to home:

Q: My husband and I have two sons, ages 2 and 4. When our oldest was born, we agreed that I would be the primary caregiver until our children reached school age. I am a freelance Web designer and work from home, but it’s impossible to advance my career when I’m running after two boys all day, so I’d like to return to a full-time office gig.

My husband hates the idea of our kids in daycare (I’m not crazy about it, either), and he’s upset that I want to back out of our deal. He promised to be more hands-on with the children on weekends to give me time to work, but his job is 24/7 and he’s always exhausted. Can we strike a better balance?

A: You made a deal. You can’t back out just because you’ve changed your mind. Either bear down and stick it out until your youngest reaches kindergarten, or try to renegotiate. If your husband won’t alter the terms of your agreement, be willing to keep your word – but explain that he has to keep his when it comes to weekend childcare.

Most important, optimize your circumstances within the confines of the deal. During the week, free up blocks of time for you to work at home or in a nearby coffee shop by arranging activities for the children under the supervision of trusted adults. I understand that neither of you is totally comfortable leaving the kids with others, but everything from parenting message boards to GPS tracking devices has made it easier to rest assured that your kids are safe and well looked after. Do your research, plan accordingly, and bloom where you’re planted.

# # #

Moms – WAHMs, SAHMs, and everything in between – what are your thoughts?

Personally, I found his answer a little harsh and off-base. He makes it sound like they signed a pre-nup in blood, for one thing. I have a similar “deal” with my husband, but it’s not like we hammered out a 7-page agreement and had it notarized. It’s a marriage, not a business deal.

And who says you’re not allowed to change your mind? Especially, I’d add, AFTER you get a sense of the real demands of raising two little boys. I had all kinds of preconceived notions and misconceptions and flat-out delusions about kids before I had them.

For instance, I pictured myself reading the Sunday paper and drinking coffee while my baby played quietly with wooden blocks on the floor. I certainly did NOT imagine I’d be fighting to keep my eyes open at 5:30 a.m. when the baby woke up, having run out of coffee and not had a chance to get to the store, while he shredded and chewed on the newspaper and threw blocks at my head.

Also, the “arranging activities for the children”? There’s no mention of cost, and I happen to know that every preschool activity in our area costs a minimum of $100 a session. And she’d probably have to find different activities for each kid, given the age difference. And who’s going to drive them and pick them up?

And lastly, the thing about GPS tracking devices? Huh?! Like you should install one on your kid and then go, from the coffee shop, “Oh, look, there goes my 2-y.o. running down a major thoroughfare. At least I know where he is!”? That makes no sense to me.

I’ve daydreamed about daycare, too. And I know that this is a complex issue that deserves WAY more than a 150-word answer. So I’ve got some recommended reading for you, Dr. Phil:

This is what raising a small boy is really like. You never know whether it’s going to be a good day or a bad day.

Being a full-time SAHM or part-time WAHM or whatever you want to call it is a HUGE adjustment. So much so that I wrote about my evolution as a new mom, Part I and Part II.

And THIS is what life as a WAHM is really like.

It’s not quite as simple as setting up some activities and getting GPS, now, is it?

Plan F

I got cocky. I admit it. I thought I had this work-at-home mom thing down. I boasted that I never missed a deadline and rarely worked nights or weekends. THAT’S how important work/life balance was to me. I took on not 1, not 2, but *4* assignments at once, on top of the online writing class I teach. And you know what happened then? The proverbial “poop” hit the fan, people. So I had to go to Plan B, then C, then D, then … you get the point.

Plan F involved scrambling to turn on the TV for my 3 y.o. -- something, ANYTHING, quick, quick! -- and throwing the shrieking baby in the Exersaucer so I could interview a prominent doctor on my cell phone during dinnertime in the 8 min. he had between surgeries. Miles may have been watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” I don’t know. I just know I had to get the story done.

Granted, a freak blizzard resulting in more snowfall than the Mid-Atlantic has seen in decades could not have been predicted. Nor could the sheer number of consecutive snow days off school. There was is so much snow piled up around here that roads, sidewalks, and parking lots are still impassable even a week after the storm. And surely I would never have imagined that we couldn’t get to the sitter’s house a mere half-mile away, or that no one could come to us.

Still, the hits kept on coming. I had deadlines that required multiple phone interviews with hard-to-reach sources. I had to share our one laptop with my husband, who was forced to work at home as well. The snow stopped, but our sitter got sick. School reopened, but with a 2-hour delay. C. went back to work, but had to work extra-long hours to make up for missed time. My calls got rescheduled to the most inconvenient times possible. And still, I persevered.

My brother and his wife had their baby 10 days early, and I had to rush down to see him (wouldn’t you?!) and deliver the bouncy seat. We got some bad news about a sick relative and a flurry of worried phone calls followed. The enormous amount of snow and ice on the roof caused a major leak in the family room, requiring 6 bath towels to sop up the carpet every couple of hours. And on top of this? We’re heading out of town for my FIL’s birthday this weekend.

Did I meet my deadlines? No. I turned in one story on time, got an extension on the others, and am still working on the last one. Did I manage my phone interviews? Barely, though I can’t be sure of what callers heard in the background. Did I solve my sitter shortage? For a few days, by calling in some pinch hitters and rearranging my schedule, requiring the baby to -- GASP!-- skip some naps. Yep, it was that dire.

Was my career ruined? Did I throw in the (sopping wet) towel and slink away in defeat? Did I vow never again to take on more work than I could comfortably handle? No, not yet, and kind of. First, I was honest with my editors, clients, and students and they understood. The blizzard bungled things up for a lot of people. Next, I worked my butt off to finish my work as best I could. And lastly, I am going to think twice the next time an assignment comes my way.

The reality is, I’m the parent who has to drop everything when a blizzard hits, school’s canceled, or someone’s sick. Yet everything still has to get done. That’s the worst part about this juggling act I call my life.

The best parts? I get to build a snowman with my kids on a random Friday morning, snuggle up and watch a movie on a gray afternoon, do work that fulfills me for clients I like and respect, be a mom AND a professional. And I admit, being able to work in sweats and slippers is not too bad, either.

READS O’ THE WEEK: This article on why snow days suck resonated with me, and this post on HybridMom.com felt like I could’ve written it myself.

Makin' It Work

This is why people who work at home need babysitters.

The phone rings at 5:17 p.m. I can see from the caller ID it’s a work call. As a part-time freelance writer who works a few mornings a week, I normally wouldn’t answer a call at this time of day. But it’s a source I’m supposed to interview over the phone tomorrow, so I pick up.

Source’s secretary: “Hello. Mr. Thompson had something come up. Can you call him a little later tomorrow?”

I had scheduled the call for 11 a.m., when my 3 y.o. would be at preschool and my 11 m.o. at the sitter’s. 11 a.m. was the latest I could do the interview and still be on time for school pick-up at 11:45.

Me: “Um, no, I’m afraid I can’t. I have another appointment later.” In the background, the baby has snatched a full glass of water off the table. I pry it out of his hand. He screetches.

Secretary: “Is that your dog? Poor thing. Hmm, how about sometime in the afternoon, then?”

Afternoons are the absolute WORST time, because both kids are home and may or may not be sleeping. Emphasis on the “not.” I bite the bullet: “Sure, how’s 2 p.m. for Mr. Thompson?” As I’m saying it, I’m praying to GOD that both boys will nap or at least stay semi-quiet in their rooms during my call.

So the next day comes, and at 1:45 p.m. I am rushing through the last pre-nap story and hustling the kids off to bed. “Now, Miles, I’ll ask you again: do you need to use the potty? Because I’m getting on a very important call and I won’t be able to come help you, OK?”

“No, Mom, I don’t have to go.” Famous last words.

I go downstairs, set up my laptop, plug in my recording equipment and check that the phone’s working. Because 2 hours earlier, it wasn’t. And my cell phone gets spotty reception in the house. Working from home is a piece of cake. Hasn’t anyone told you?

So I dial up my source and begin our interview. The baby’s monitor chirps. He’s not asleep, but he’s not wailing, either. I continue my questions.

Then I hear “Mama!” in a loud stage whisper from the top of the stairs. I ignore it. “Maaa-maaaa!” It gets louder. “Could you excuse me for a second, Mr. Thompson?” I fly up the stairs.

“MILES!!! I TOLD you I had to make a VERY IMPORTANT phone call. I can’t help you right now!!”

“But Mama, I can’t find [his blanky].”

“Well, you’re going to have to WAIT, Miles. Please DO NOT interrupt me again. I’m only going to be a few more minutes.” Back downstairs, I pick up the call. “Sorry about that. Where were we?”

I am wrapping up the interview when I hear my son calling me again. Are you KIDDING me?! Then I make out his words, “Mama! Maaa-maaa!! Poo-poo!”

“Thanks for your time, Mr. Thompson. I’ve gotta run now!”

LINK O' THE WEEK: Ever wonder how other mothers achieve (or strive to attain) work/life balance? This interview with a f.t. mom/p.t. literary agent really resonated with me.

In All Honesty...

Spoiler alert: serious post ahead. Believe me, I’d love to write a light, upbeat entry about my “Seasonal Activity Disorder” flaring up again and our Christmas tree debacle. But it would take more energy than I’ve got right now.

Besides, I took a quiz on Oprah.com that told me my true destiny is to be an “adviser” and an “equalizer.” I took that to mean I’m here to help other moms in any way I can and show people that if I can do this motherhood thing, then any idiot can.

Except sometimes I can’t.

I’ve half-joked about quitting being a (mostly) SAHM and about my ongoing quest for optimism and balance. Though some (such as my spouse) might disagree, I do try to look on the bright side of disasters and not dwell on the ugly parts of life. I’m all for honesty, but I prefer to leave the all-cards-on-the-table confessional stuff to the Dooces and Anne Lamotts of the world.

But you know, sometimes motherhood isn’t funny or light. Sometimes -- a lot of times -- it’s the hardest f@#$%?!ing thing I’ve ever done in my life. And the scariest, too, because there are 2 human beings dependent on me for survival and I can’t quit or call in sick. EVER. For the REST OF MY LIFE.

There have been plenty of days I didn’t want to get out of bed and/or I didn’t want to go to sleep at night because that would make the morning come sooner. And then I’d have to get up and do it all again. There have been plenty of days that I cried when my husband left for work.

I’m not a big believer in medication (maybe because both my epidurals failed?!) especially the mood-altering kind. I did briefly seek help from a therapist, but since I believe my current state of mind is situational, not chronic or chemical, I eventually stopped. Besides, who has time to fit one more appointment into their schedule?!

One thing that does really help me is knowing that I’m not alone. I’m lucky that I have several close friends, family members, and neighbors who keep it real and help me out whenever they can. When a friend told me she nearly got divorced following the birth of her second child, I was grateful for her honesty. When a blogger I follow confessed she’d made “The Call” to her husband one day (as in, “Get home IMMEDIATELY if you care about the safety of your children”), I thought, thank God it’s not just me.

And when my writing students share essays about miscarriage and postpartum depression I admire their bravery and think about all the people they will touch with their words. (And they do, because many students have gotten their essays published and received heartfelt responses from readers.)

So I’ll admit here that I have been having some really bad days lately. Behavior issues, sleeping issues, teething, the holidays, too much sugar, not enough exercise or help -- all the usual stuff but all at once and without a break. There was one day in particular I really thought I was going to hurt somebody. REALLY HURT THEM. So I dumped the baby in his crib with some toys and put Miles in his room with a baby gate across the door. And I walked away.

And you know what happened? Absolutely nothing.

Everybody was fine. In fact, Riley had a blast. He was probably thrilled to have his brother off his back for 30 min. And even Miles, aside from calling mournfully down the stairs every few minutes, was fine playing by himself.

I related this anecdote to the kids’ pediatrician the other day. And you know what she said? “I’m so glad you did that.” And then she went on to ask if there was any way I could get some more help. It might be tough, but I’m going to work on it. Part of me wants to pretend that I’m a perfectly competent mom and writer who juggles it all by myself with grace. After all, I know plenty of people who do. But I am not one of them. And that’s OK.

READ O’ THE WEEK: Author Claudine Wolk sent me a review copy of her perfectly titled book, “It Gets Easier! … And Other Lies We Tell New Mothers.” It’s part “Girlfriends’ Guide” and part “What to Expect” with a healthy dose of humor and practical, real-world tips.

I think Wolk really hits her stride in Ch. 10: “How Did I Get Into This Mess?”, Ch. 11: “What is a Housewife & How Did I Become One?” and Ch. 12: ”The Most Frustrating Job on the Planet.” Unlike other books that gloss over the working vs. staying home topic in a couple of paragraphs, Wolk goes deeper into the real issues.

Like coming to grips with all the chores that accompany new motherhood. And how your marriage will change. And how neither working or at-home moms have a easy choice or often any choice at all. (She points out that working moms have TWO f.t. jobs.) In fact, Wolk’s is the most thorough and respectful discussion of this topic I’ve read.

This book deserves a place on the bookshelf alongside the other titles about this life-changing, gut-wrenching journey we call motherhood.

Can SAHMs Quit?

I ran into a friend at the playground who mentioned that her neighbor had recently quit her job as a lawyer to stay home with her 2 small kids. I found this interesting. You always hear people say, “Oh, I wish I could stay home with my kids.” But what about the other way around? How often do you hear a stay-at-home mom say, “I wish I could go back to work”?

Obviously, I know moms who stayed home for a while and then went back to their old jobs. To me, that’s more like extended maternity leave. I’m talking about people who have every intention of being a SAHM but change their minds and go look for a job. People who say, “You know what? I was wrong. This isn’t for me. My kids are far better off in daycare, and I’d rather go to an office everyday than play one more game of Candyland.”

‘Cause the thing is, I’m kind of leaning that way. Yup. I admit it. As I’ve said many times here, I never had the intention of being either a full-time work-outside-the-home mom or a 100% SAHM. I hate labels. And I sort of thought I could straddle the fence, have the best of both worlds as a work-at-home writer.

And for awhile, I did. Between preschool, a sitter, and my son’s 2-hr. naps, I had a decent chunk of time to devote to my freelance work -- until my second son was born last winter. Then, the balance tipped. This baby’s fussier. My husband changed jobs. The economy tanked. My toddler stopped napping. The sitter didn’t have room for an infant. All of a sudden, I’ve found myself to be less and less a WAHM and more and more a SAHM. (There are those labels again…)

And I gotta say, I’m not loving it. Partly, we’re in a hard stage because the baby’s still napping 2-3x/day and my 3 y.o. wants to get up and go every day. (I tell him all the time, “We’re not going anywhere this morning. No playdates, no parks, no Target, sorry. Sometimes we just STAY HOME.” BTW, how ironic is it that SAHMs rarely stay home?) So the 2 ages are tough.

And partly, I’m worried about money and germs. Huh? What I mean is, we really don’t need to be going to Chick-fil-A or Target or the mall every day, just to get out of the house. I’m not that into recreational spending. Not when that money could be used for a sitter! But the free places – the library, the gym, storytimes – are germ fests. What do YOU think people do with their kids all day when they’re too sick for school? Not all of them stay home, I’ll tell you that!

A lot of my friends are similarly germophobic right now, so that also means fewer playdates. (Coupled with the fact that some preschools are Mon.-Wed.-Fri. and others are Tue.-Thurs., plus factor in siblings’ naptimes and schedules, good luck EVER finding a time that works for both of you!)

So that means I’m stuck in the house a LOT with 2 kids with very different needs who both need a LOT from me, and very LITTLE time to devote to work or writing or seeing my friends or any of my other interests. (If you think I could be doing that stuff at night, you’ve obviously never spent a day with 2 energetic kids who wake up at 5:30 a.m. and keep going full throttle till 8 p.m.)

Plus, my husband and I are totally in that “ships passing in the night” phase. (“You take Miles to gym class and I’ll stay home with Riley. Then we’ll switch so I can run to the grocery store and you can put the baby down for his nap. But first, let’s synchronize our watches!”)

It all adds up to a not very balanced life. Which is why I’ve been daydreaming about daycare lately.

There is this, though: I had Miles’ parent-teacher conference the other day. He got a glowing report. And I left with a glowing feeling. After all, I’ve been home with him for 3.5 years, so I deserve SOME credit, right?

LINK O’ THE WEEK: Hybrid Mom, the print magazine, and HybridMom.com have the right approach for label-shunners like me. Recognition that moms are a lot of different things. Plus, I love their tagline: “Mother your ambitions.”

RECALL O’ THE WEEK: Maclaren is recalling 1M strollers, due to a possible finger-amputation risk. Super.

Summertime and the Livin' is Crazy

Not much blogging going on around here this week. Too busy planning daily outings and activities here at Camp Diary of a New Mom. Whoever thinks summer is a time to kick back and relax clearly does not have a 3-year-old used to a regular schedule of preschool and gym classes and playdates. To him, summer is bo-ring. Every morning he asks, “Where are we going, Mom?” The grocery store is not a satisfactory answer.

Now that we’ve got little Riley as well, even the simplest outing is a grueling feat requiring several heavy bags packed with all manner of diapers, wipes, snacks, outfits, hats, sunscreen, and absorbent cloths. Which one of the 4 strollers we take depends on such myriad issues as the weather (full sun or overcast?), nap schedules (fully reclined or sitting up?) and the terrain (paved, gravel, or grass?) It’s exhausting, I tell you. And that’s before we’ve even left the house.

And to make things even more hectic, I took on a couple of writing assignments involving -- gasp! -- PHONE INTERVIEWS. Phone interviews are the bane of my work-at-home-mom existence. They are harder to pull off than a triple axel. Ideally, I schedule them only when I can be certain that both children will be out of the house and/or unconscious. Since that happens rarely-to-never, that means I’ve had to do some interviews at odd hours, like 7 p.m.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but after a full day of running after kids, enforcing rules, wiping butts, preparing meals, giving baths, etc., etc. I am FRIED. All I want to do at 7 p.m. is flop onto the couch with a big glass of wine and the remote.

To make matters worse, when I dropped the kids off at the sitter this week, she casually said, “So you’re on vacation next week, right? I’m going out of town.” No, I’m not on vacation next week, it’s the week after. Next week I’m on DEADLINE. Crap, crap, crappity-crap. What now? Like always, I’ll figure it out. Because that’s what I do. Says so right on my business card: In Charge of Figuring Out EVERYTHING.

Honestly, some days I feel like I barely have time to come up for air. I go from breakfast to getting everyone dressed to putting the baby down for a nap to returning phone calls to running errands to making lunch to doing laundry to reading stories to putting the toddler down for a nap which he may or may not take to checking e-mail to researching an article to going to the park to planning for vacation to giving everyone their medicine to making dinner to the next thing and the next and the next.

The balancing act was tough for me with one kid. Add in a baby plus freelance work, subtract school and the sitter and the equation just doesn’t work. Except that it has to. So, now that I’m back from today’s outing to the nature center and before we go on vacation, I’ll get back to figuring it out. Plenty of time to breathe later.

RECIPE O’ THE WEEK: This is a super-tasty, fairly easy, and pretty healthy summer meal, especially if you make it with soy crumbles instead of ground beef like I did: Second-Chance Taco Salad. Whether or not you prepare it while you have a wiggly baby strapped to your chest and a whining toddler at your feet is up to you.

Life as a WAHM

I’m sitting in a church parking lot typing this on my laptop. There’s a chai latte, diaper bag, and cell phone (on vibrate), on the seat beside me. My 2.5 mo.-old son is in the backseat, sleeping. FINALLY. I have less than an hour before I have to pick up my older son from preschool and I’m damn sure going to make the most of it!

The thing about being a work-at-home-mom is that oftentimes the “home” part is metaphorical.

Many working moms would still be on maternity leave at this point. But when you’re self-employed -- as I am as a freelance writer and writing instructor -- there’s no such thing as paid maternity leave. Before my first son was born, I sent out an e-mail to all my regular clients telling them I was going to be out of commission for 3 months. I set up an e-mail autoreply. I changed the message on my cell phone. When my son was exactly 3 mos. old, I hired a babysitter and started keeping regular office hours again.

This time around, I did none of these things. I was answering work-related e-mails 2 weeks after my second son was born. I accepted an assignment when he was less than 2 mos. old. I feel like he’s still too young for a sitter, especially since I’m nursing every 2-4 hours, so that leaves me with short, sporadic periods of time to work while the baby’s napping. Hence the laptop and the idling car.

Sometimes it’s frustrating. Just the other day I turned down an assignment that required phone interviews because I couldn’t plan on a specific time when I knew it would be quiet. I’ve known some WAHMs who run out to their garage or parked car to conduct a phone call when necessary. I don’t trust the 2-year-old around his baby brother yet. Besides, MY baby’s cries can be heard for miles.

Sometimes it can also feel like I have no boundaries between my home life and my work life. When I had an office outside the house, which I rented with some other self-employed friends, I was diligent about never bringing work home if I could help it. Now, I dash to the computer to check e-mail several times a day. My personal and professional phone number are one and the same. In the evenings, I sometimes work on the couch next to my husband as he watches TV.

Certainly, in some ways it would be easier to leave and go to work every day, as I did before I had kids. Lots of times when I’m complaining about the stress of being pulled in two directions, people will tell me I should get a “real job” or, conversely, that I should “just be a mom” and stop trying to freelance, too.

But I don’t want to choose. Why should I have to pick one or the other when I can do both? I don’t want to hand over my babies to someone else 40+ hours a week. But I’d go crazy if I didn’t have an outlet besides being a mommy. I feel like I get the best of both worlds this way.

Besides, I think the tides are turning in the work world. I see fewer and fewer moms who are either totally stay-at-home moms OR work 9-5 in an office (or more likely, 8-6). Most are somewhere in between -- they work part time, have a compressed or flexible schedule, or are self-employed.

Right now, being a WAHM is what works for me and my family. I’m a happier person when I get to use my talents, interact with other professionals, and earn an income. On a good day, I’m a happy, balanced person. On a bad day, you’ll find me sitting in a juice-box littered car with coffee and spit-up stains on my shirt, typing frantically on a laptop before my baby wakes up and my preschooler needs to be picked up. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

PIC O’ THE WEEK: Does this paci ring make me look like the Joker?