Clean House? Not So Much

I may have mentioned a time or 20 how I try to squeeze as much freelance work into as little kid-free time as possible, which necessitates arrangements so complex that pulling off a triple axel on dull ice skates seems easy in comparison.

So it was nothing short of a miracle when the mom of my son’s classmate offered to give him a ride home once a week. This meant Miles could stay an extra couple hours for the after-school program instead of being forced to come home and be quiet while his baby brother naps and I work. Plus, I wouldn’t have to cut the baby’s nap short to pick him up. Win-win, right?

The first time this other mom brought Miles home, however, her son needed to come in to use the bathroom. Terror shot through me.

You see, people, our bathroom is not what you’d call “guest ready.” Not only do we not have decorative hand towels and French-milled soaps, but you’re lucky if there’s toilet paper and no puddle on the floor. You might find a half-eaten banana in the bathtub, a sippy cup of milk in the sink, and a toothpaste self-portrait finger-painted on the mirror.

It’s disgusting. I know. But when you have 2 small, exceedingly messy boys and no time (or cleaning lady), that’s what you get. Certainly if we’re expecting guests I’ll run a Clorox wipe over the counters and toilet and chuck the mess behind the shower curtain. But if it’s just us, what’s the point? A clean bathroom lasts only until the first potty break.

So, disguising the panic in my voice, I said to this other mom, “Sure! Of course! Let me just run in there real quick and make sure we have hand soap.” (As if. That was used up long ago when the boys decided to give their action figures a bubble bath in the sink.)

The next week, I was prepared. The bathroom was passably clean. But this time she asked to fill up her kid’s water bottle in the kitchen. Where she encountered a sink full of dirty dishes from breakfast… and lunch. I was humiliated. I’m not striving to be Martha Stewart, but there are low standards and then there are frat-boy standards. We were probably violating several health codes in the kitchen and bathroom alone.

So the following week, my house was CLEAN. Really clean. (I mean, not under-the-couch clean, but come ON. Let’s be realistic here.) And you know what happened? The other mom was running late and drove off without stepping foot in our immaculate abode.

I took some small, sick comfort in the fact that when my son came home from a playdate at their house, he said the kid’s room was really messy.

READ O' THE WEEK: In case you missed it, here's my article on "The Truth About Kids and TV." You'd think I could clean while my kids are watching a show, but no.

Being a WAHM Is All Fun & Games

Is your life lacking excitement? Dull, predictable, each day like the one before? Have I got a solution for you -- become a work-at-home mom! Your days will be FILLED with challenges and games, like:

Phone tag. Need to reach an important person ASAP? Call him first thing in the morning before your husband leaves for work; get his voicemail. Then HE calls YOU back while you’re in the preschool drop-off line; gets your voicemail. Then YOU call HIM back as soon as you get home, but he’s tied up until 12 – the exact worst time for you, doing the pick-up/lunchtime/naptime hustle. This game can go on for DAYS!

Extreme juggling. You’ve got a packed day filled with meetings, phone calls, and deadlines. Just as you’re leaving the house, the phone rings. It’s the school – surprise! School’s cancelled due to a power outage. OR, it’s the sitter calling in sick. Time to juggle!

Phone backup sitter; find out she can only take the baby. Phone classmate to line up playdate for your older kid; find out that mom can do it, but only for 2 hours. Beg your husband to go into work late; find out he has an important appointment he can’t reschedule. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. You always do! Isn’t this EXCITING?!?!

Pajama parties. OK, maybe working into the wee hours in your PJs isn’t exactly a party, but you always said you wanted to experience the thrill of those late nights again, didn’t you? Only now the excitement isn’t who will you meet or what new club will you get into, but will your computer crash before you back up that important file and will your printer run out of ink before you print out that crucial contract?

7 Minutes in Heaven. No, not the kissing game in the closet. Those 7 minutes of silence you may or may not get to make a phone call during that brief period when the baby’s nap overlaps with the preschooler’s TV show. Those precious few minutes when no one is wailing from their crib, pulling on your arm for a snack, or calling loudly from the bathroom for you to come wipe them.

The thing is, you never know if you’re going to get those 7 silent minutes or not. And that’s the fun of it!!

Musical childcare. Drop off son at school, drop off baby at sitter’s. Work. Pick up son at school, take him to friend’s house for a playdate. Pick up baby from sitter’s, take him home for a nap. Work. Ask neighbor to come over and sit with baby while you run to pick up son from playdate. Ask husband to come home early so you can finish up your work. If any piece of this puzzle falls through for any reason, see “Extreme juggling” above.

I’m telling you, it's nothing but nonstop fun and games around here. Also, coffee. Lots and LOTS of coffee. So what are you waiting for? Become a work-at-home mom today and join the party! But watch out -– all the excitement might kill you.

Learning to Love It

I first went out on my own as a full-time freelance writer over 8 years ago. I was pushed to the brink by a soul-sucking corporate job and wanted nothing more than to be my own boss, be in charge of my own time. But the funny thing is, I would still show up to my office (which I rented with a few other self-employed people) every day at 8:30 or 9 a.m. and stay till 5 or 5:30. Regardless of whether I had 8 hours of work to do or not.

Sure, you could say I had a good work ethic, and certainly my time and effort in the beginning did pay off. But why was I still keeping the hours and the confining schedule I’d resisted so much as an employee?

Another freelancer acquaintance wondered why I didn’t take off on sunny days to go to the park or have lunch with a friend, or leave work early on Fridays just because I could. “I hope you eventually learn to enjoy the perks of self-employment,” she told me.

But I was afraid. Afraid of being labeled a slacker. Afraid of becoming a failure. Afraid of what other people would think. Afraid I’d slide down a slippery slope and find myself sitting on the couch eating Ben & Jerry’s in my bathrobe and watching reruns of “The Golden Girls” every day.

The same could be said of my transition to full-time stay-at-home mom/part-time work-at-home mom when my first child was born. (How I define myself depends on the week and my workload.) When I was a brand-new mom, I rarely allowed myself to lounge around in my PJs, watch daytime TV, or even go shopping or to the gym during the day. Everyone else was at work, I thought. And MY work was now taking care of this tiny person. I’m damn sure not going to treat this as an extended personal day. People will think I’m a slacker!

As if ANYONE would use the term “slacker” to define someone who devoted her time, energy, and breasts to her baby 24 hours a day. Nursing him around the clock, changing diapers, doing laundry, taking him to countless doctor’s appointments, CHARTING HIS BOWEL MOVEMENTS, for pete’s sake! I was working harder than I ever had in corporate America, that’s for sure. And with no lunch breaks or sick days!

It took me awhile -- 2 kids and 4 years, to be exact -- but I’ve loosened up. Some days I stay in my pajamas (or yoga pants) all day. Some days we have pancakes for lunch. I usually work while my (second) baby is napping, but if it’s been a rough day I may take a nap myself or zone out on the couch watching “Oprah.” I’ll take the kids to the mall on a Friday morning, spend my older son’s preschool time reading blogs, or have a picnic on a Tuesday simply because it’s nice out.

I’ve learned to enjoy the perks of the life I’ve chosen. I don’t worry so much about whether other people will think I’m a slacker. I wish I had TIME to be a slacker! What was the biggest adjustment to motherhood for you?

RILEYISMS:
"kidney" - the leftover loot from Halloween; apparently out of sight ISN'T out of mind

"ah-pane" - those things that fly overhead several times day; and every single plane has to be noticed and commented on

"fie" - what he calls his pacifier. Get it? Paci-FIE-r.

Is Being a WAHM Bad for Business?

OK, so I promised I would discuss That Chapter of the book I wrote about in a recent post. (Although, surprisingly, @UnMarketing has so far been UnResponsive to my review of his book. Hmm...)

Anyway, the chapter is titled “Why Being a Work-at-Home Mom Is Bad for Business.” In it, the author says “claiming that you work from home, especially if you have children, can give people the perception that they may not be your priority as clients.” He later adds, “If you mention you have three kids under six years old and you’re homeschooling them, then I question when the work for me, the work I need done and am paying you to do, is going to get done.”

The thing is: he’s not wrong. I do think it’s unprofessional to conduct business while your children run amok and shriek in the background. Hello? That’s what babysitters (and TV) are for.

That said, there are a lot of different work-at-home scenarios. For instance, you could be:

- A fulltime, salaried employee who works in an office except when your kid’s sick or you have a childcare crisis and are forced to work from home.*

- A salaried employee who works full- or part-time at home while your children are at school or being cared for by someone else.

- A freelancer or other self-employed person who works at home while your children are at school, asleep, or being cared for by someone else.

- A freelancer or other self-employed person who works at home but doesn’t see the need--or doesn’t want to pay for--childcare.

This last group seems to be the one the author is describing. And these people? Are delusional. (I'm talking about people in my situation who have toddlers, not teenagers.)

Look, I can understand the motivation. If you’re a freelancer, you essentially work on commission. Or, to put it another way, you only eat what you kill. It makes budgeting tough. So the strategy of trying to squeeze in as much work as you can with as little paid childcare as possible is understandable. But it’s hard. Trust me, I know.

If you work in a laid-back field or with other at-home parents, it might not be a big deal. You might even be blessed with understanding clients who don’t care if “Spongebob” blares in the background. I had one such client who said he didn’t mind. But *I* minded. I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate fully and give him the attention his project deserved. So I scheduled our call for another time.

I’ve had to make some serious sacrifices to be a WAHM. I gave up my office space, which I rented with a couple other self-employed folks. I work very limited hours right now, and feel the pinch in my paycheck. I have all but given up projects that require phone interviews, for the above reasons.

Also, when you work from home there’s always the chance that a snow day or a nap boycott will derail your day. If you’re on deadline, you’re up a creek. Remember the blizzard of 2010? I worked my BUTT off to make sure I met my deadlines and delivered what I’d promised my clients. It was hell. But I did it.

If you read the entire chapter in “UnMarketing” (all 2 pages of it), it’s clear the author is really saying, don’t lead with the fact that you’re a WAHM in your marketing materials. I agree. I said as much to fellow writer and WAHM Angie Mizzell in her latest article for Hybrid Mom: I don’t advertise the fact that I'm a WAHM, but if it comes up I'll mention it.

And it turns out it's not such a big deal if you meet your deadlines and do good work. Meetings with one of my favorite clients usually start with a discussion about our kids. It’s a great way to connect before we get down to business. And after all, as a wise man once said, people do business with people they know, trust, and like. ;)

*BTW, this group has provided some of my favorite blog posts ever. Check out Not Mommy of the Year’s “A Taste of Work at Home” and PineappleBabble’s “SAHM.” LOL!