The Saga of the Skinny Jeans

It’s all Oprah’s fault. And Rita Wilson’s. The other day I got sucked into one of those makeover shows. Who doesn’t love a good makeover? Mrs. Tom Hanks, looking ridiculously young and attractive for a 50-y.o., was coercing women to shed their shapeless, outdated excuses for fashion and step into 2010. According to Rita, there are 4 must-have items for women of every age: black leggings or skinny jeans, black boots, a sweater, and a scarf.

Personally, leggings give me flashbacks to the 6th grade. Technically, I believe those were stirrup pants I wore, but the look was the same--tight pants under a long top. Mine happened to be an oversize pink sweatshirt, which may or may not have been off-the-shoulder. Hey, it was the “Flashdance” era!

Then leggings came back in style when I was in college, because I distinctly remember a comment made by a snooty teacher during my semester abroad in France. This guy took one look at my outfit and asked if I was going to do “l’aerobic” after class. OK, dude. You’re the one in skintight WHITE JEANS with a neckerchief, but I’M the one committing the fashion faux pas? Whatever. French people.

Anyway, I would be thrilled to never encounter leggings again. But what do you know? They’re ba-aack. Along with their sinister cousin, the skinny jean. Or even WORSE, an evil hybrid: the denim legging!! Can we all just admit that this style does not flatter 99% of the population? Unless you’re an Olsen twin or a German supermodel, you can’t rock skintight pants.

At least, that’s what I thought. Until Rita and Oprah trotted out women of all ages, shapes, and sizes looking great in skinny jeans and boots. Well, damn. If they can do it...

I had the perfect excuse, too--date night. It’s Restaurant Week here in Baltimore, and my husband and I made reservations at a swanky Italian place downtown. Since we go out about as often as a solar eclipse, however, I don’t exactly have a lot of stylish outfits. In fact, my current wardrobe includes a pair of black velour sweatpants that I wore during both pregnancies. And wool clogs. My God, I look worse than some of those “befores” on Oprah!

So with this little nudge, I headed out to find some---yes---SKINNY JEANS. First stop: Old Navy. I might only wear these things once, so why pay more than I had to? I struck out there, and the next place I went. I was ready to call off the whole charade but I decided I’d try Loehmann’s just for kicks.

If you’re familiar with Loehmann’s, then you know that the dressing room is one, big, open, mirrored, fluorescent-lit nightmare. What was I DOING here?! Especially when I couldn’t even pull the first pair higher than my knees. Damn European sizes! But lo and behold, I found a pair that actually weren’t hideous. And they were $180 designer jeans!! (Originally. On sale for $24. Please, don’t you know me at all?!)

I took them home and got ready to go out. And by that I mean I attempted to apply eyeliner while keeping the baby from eating toilet paper, made up his bottle while my hair dried, and prepared Miles’ dinner while my husband got ready at his leisure, by himself. I swear, he takes longer than a cheerleading squad primping for homecoming.

So I put on my new jeans with some boots I already owned and a cool vintage velvet jacket I’ve had forever. Oprah and Rita would be so proud! Then I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked exactly like... this:


Not exactly the look I was going for. But hubs said I looked good. Plus, the sitter had arrived and we were late for our reservation. So off we went. Giddy-up!

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