5/12/09

How to Lose the Baby Weight

I’m going to let you all in on a big secret: this here’s my patented diet and exercise plan for losing those post-pregnancy pounds. With swimsuit season upon us, who wouldn’t want a fast, surefire way to fit back into that bikini? It works best if you have an older child and a newborn.

Breakfast: Wake up, carry baby downstairs. Put baby in bouncy seat. Go to pour yourself a bowl of cereal and realize your husband and older child have eaten all the cereal and put the box back on the shelf empty. Grab a cup of coffee instead.

Exercise interval: Pick up and put down the baby 3-4 times while you attempt to feed yourself and your older child while soothing the crying baby. Stop and nurse the baby 2-3 times, as well. (No, it’s not technically exercise, but it does burn calories.)

Morning snack: Eat the toast crusts left on your preschooler’s plate. Wash them down with a second cup of coffee. Add a splash of milk for some calcium.

Exercise interval: Get yourself, your preschooler, and the baby dressed. Your outfit requires running back upstairs for a pair of pants and downstairs to the basement to retrieve a clean nursing bra from the dryer. Dressing your older child involves chasing him around the house and pinning him down while you wrestle him into his clothes. Dressing the baby takes 3 attempts since the minute you get a clean onesie on him, he spits up again.

Lunch: Make your older child a sandwich with one arm while holding the fussy baby with the other. Cut off the crusts and eat those. Cut the peels off his apple slices and eat those. Realize you only have one yogurt left; give it to your child. Reheat your morning coffee and swig it down with a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter for protein.

Exercise interval: Squat to pick up sippy cups, pacifiers, and assorted cutlery that falls on the floor throughout the meal. Do some side bends as you reach down to unload the dishwasher, and throw in some calf raises as you put stuff away on the high shelves.

Afternoon snack: Eat a handful or two of your child’s animal crackers or pretzels. Gulp down some juice to stay hydrated for breastfeeding.

Exercise interval: Take both kids for a walk in the stroller, which is weighed down with enough diapers, wipes, snacks, and toys for the whole neighborhood. For maximum calorie burn, take the dog, too.

Dinner: Make your preschooler a pot of mac & cheese with a side of carrot sticks and ranch dip. Eat it yourself when he refuses to. Try to get him to eat some fish sticks. Eat those, too, when he refuses. Intend to make a real meal with a salad for yourself and your husband. Forget all about it when husband calls to say he’s working late. Collapse onto the couch with a pint of ice cream and a glass of wine.

Exercise interval: Run up and down the stairs 4-5 times to get your older child a glass of water, scare away monsters, and find beloved stuffed animal. Nurse baby 3-4 more times before bed.

There you have it, people -- the secret to my svelte post-baby physique. Of course, it does nothing for your dull skin, dark undereye circles, and dry hair. And it probably doesn’t provide enough nutrients for a squirrel, let alone a nursing mother. But, hey, I’m not a doctor! Proceed at your own risk. If this doesn’t work, some supermodels I know swear by the coffee and cigarettes diet.

LAUGH O’ THE WEEK: My almost-3 y.o. has started wearing “big boy underwear.” I asked him how it felt and he said, “Squeezy.”

7 comments:

April said...

Squeezy! I love it!

I go through phases where your diet is a part of my lifestyle. But lately it seems I always find a way to get in (too much) food and snacking. Usually when the kids are in bed because I don't want them honing in on mommy's candy bar.

K said...

LOL Oh, this is a great post! You really should go with this and submit it to a magazine. I love it :) I've discovered that my left arm is building up different muscles than my right arm since I always hold my daughter in my left arm, leaving my right arm to do all of the work. If I ever write a cookbook, it would be about 'one-handed recipes.'

tine said...

Congrats on the big boy underwear!!! I know it can be a struggle!

Loukia said...

Oh my gosh, this is like me on a day to day basis but I still cannot lose the weight I want, damn it! This post was hilarious, LOVED IT! It's amazing with how much we moms lift and carry and go up and down we are not all perfectly toned size 4's! Well, at least I'm not...

Desiree said...

Haha, this is so true!
Also, with breastfeeding, I feel like the weight is just being sucked away (as gross as that sounds!)

Jayle said...

I've just discovered your blog and am reading some past posts...this one made me laugh out loud (and I don't do that very often while sitting at my laptop!) I also have a 3 year old who was an absolute roller-coaster to potty train and I gave up completely at least a dozen times...and boy number two arrives in about 5 weeks. So I'm mentally preparing for this hilarious weight-loss plan which is in my very near future. Laughed out loud - really. :)

Mom2Miles said...

Thanks, Jayle, welcome!! Good luck w/ Baby #2. It's a wild ride!

Related Posts with Thumbnails