How to Lose the Baby Weight

I’m going to let you all in on a big secret: this here’s my patented diet and exercise plan for losing those post-pregnancy pounds. With swimsuit season upon us, who wouldn’t want a fast, surefire way to fit back into that bikini? It works best if you have an older child and a newborn.

Breakfast: Wake up, carry baby downstairs. Put baby in bouncy seat. Go to pour yourself a bowl of cereal and realize your husband and older child have eaten all the cereal and put the box back on the shelf empty. Grab a cup of coffee instead.

Exercise interval: Pick up and put down the baby 3-4 times while you attempt to feed yourself and your older child while soothing the crying baby. Stop and nurse the baby 2-3 times, as well. (No, it’s not technically exercise, but it does burn calories.)

Morning snack: Eat the toast crusts left on your preschooler’s plate. Wash them down with a second cup of coffee. Add a splash of milk for some calcium.

Exercise interval: Get yourself, your preschooler, and the baby dressed. Your outfit requires running back upstairs for a pair of pants and downstairs to the basement to retrieve a clean nursing bra from the dryer. Dressing your older child involves chasing him around the house and pinning him down while you wrestle him into his clothes. Dressing the baby takes 3 attempts since the minute you get a clean onesie on him, he spits up again.

Lunch: Make your older child a sandwich with one arm while holding the fussy baby with the other. Cut off the crusts and eat those. Cut the peels off his apple slices and eat those. Realize you only have one yogurt left; give it to your child. Reheat your morning coffee and swig it down with a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter for protein.

Exercise interval: Squat to pick up sippy cups, pacifiers, and assorted cutlery that falls on the floor throughout the meal. Do some side bends as you reach down to unload the dishwasher, and throw in some calf raises as you put stuff away on the high shelves.

Afternoon snack: Eat a handful or two of your child’s animal crackers or pretzels. Gulp down some juice to stay hydrated for breastfeeding.

Exercise interval: Take both kids for a walk in the stroller, which is weighed down with enough diapers, wipes, snacks, and toys for the whole neighborhood. For maximum calorie burn, take the dog, too.

Dinner: Make your preschooler a pot of mac & cheese with a side of carrot sticks and ranch dip. Eat it yourself when he refuses to. Try to get him to eat some fish sticks. Eat those, too, when he refuses. Intend to make a real meal with a salad for yourself and your husband. Forget all about it when husband calls to say he’s working late. Collapse onto the couch with a pint of ice cream and a glass of wine.

Exercise interval: Run up and down the stairs 4-5 times to get your older child a glass of water, scare away monsters, and find beloved stuffed animal. Nurse baby 3-4 more times before bed.

There you have it, people -- the secret to my svelte post-baby physique. Of course, it does nothing for your dull skin, dark undereye circles, and dry hair. And it probably doesn’t provide enough nutrients for a squirrel, let alone a nursing mother. But, hey, I’m not a doctor! Proceed at your own risk. If this doesn’t work, some supermodels I know swear by the coffee and cigarettes diet.

LAUGH O’ THE WEEK: My almost-3 y.o. has started wearing “big boy underwear.” I asked him how it felt and he said, “Squeezy.”