Month 20: Evolution of a SAHM: Part I

People say it all the time: “Being a mom is the toughest job in the world.” Salary.com calculated that the market value for a stay-at-home mom, who works an average of 91.8 hours a week, would be $138,095 a year. But what I didn’t understand before I became a mom myself is just WHY the job is so tough. And that it might take me a good long time to adjust to—not to mention enjoy—my new job.

I’ll be honest: when I was pregnant, I looked forward to staying home with my baby for awhile and taking a break from work. I was sick of the grind, sick of the politics, sick of fighting for fair pay, sick days, better assignments, more appreciative clients, you name it. If you count my job at a department store in high school, I’d been working for 18 years straight.

Then, after what felt like 18 years of labor, I had my baby. The first few whirlwhind weeks were spent figuring out how to breastfeed, perfecting my diaper-changing and swaddling techniques, learning how to function on only a few hours’ sleep, and letting family members feed me and do the laundry. Then everybody else went home or back to work.

By then, the novelty of counting my baby’s toes had worn off some. Oh, I still loved it, but it was no longer enough to fill the day—days that suddenly became MUCH longer because I was awake for many, many more hours than ever before. The baby, however, slept most of the day, leaving me with a lot of time on my hands. But because I was so exhausted—physically, mentally, and emotionally—I had no desire to do anything I used to do pre-baby.

Forget exercise DVDs, reading, writing, or even checking my e-mail. I barely had two brain cells to rub together. I was too afraid to take the baby anywhere in the car by myself. And I wasn’t ready to rejoin the real world, anyway. So I watched a lot of TV, tried to learn to sleep during the day, and felt really, really lonely.

By the time Miles was 2 mos. old, I was ready to venture out. I tried various activities and groups, but I couldn’t seem to find the right fit. A Mommy & Me yoga class was fun, but that only filled 90 minutes a week. I started reading again, checked my e-mail incessantly, and got hooked on Oprah. If all those enterprising moms could start multimillion-dollar businesses from home, so could I! Except I knew nothing about business. And I had no product to sell. And I was still soooo tired…

I began feeling like a huge slacker. What the hell did I do with my time, except breastfeed and change diapers? Sure, sure, I was raising a healthy new citizen of the world, who might go on to become the next Nelson Mandela or Bill Gates.

Or, he might end up a one-legged homeless guy begging for change at stop lights. Suddenly, I became aware that everyone I saw had a mother. That surly guy with the bad skin who worked at 7-11. The trampy girl at the mall with the butt-crack tattoo. Osama bin Laden. What had I DONE bringing another person into this world??

In addition to feeling lazy and paranoid, I also felt guilty. After all, I had the “luxury” of staying home with my son. Something a lot of moms would kill for. Not that it exactly feels luxurious to constantly worry about car trouble and mortgage payments and the electric bill, but still, I had made a choice, hadn’t I? Also, I had a perfectly healthy, adorable son. What business did I have feeling lonely or bored or frustrated? I was going nuts. To be continued…

PIC O’ THE WEEK: I can’t really recommend it since I haven’t seen it, but everyone is raving about “Juno.” Not quite C.’s cup of tea, but maybe I can sneak off this weekend and see it by myself.

SITE O' THE WEEK: I'd like to volunteer more in 2008, so I was psyched to find this site, CoolMomsCare.org, and its sister site, CoolPeopleCare.org.