You Choose, You Lose?

Yesterday was a bad day. Like most days, it started with the baby waking up at 3 a.m. Then my 3 y.o. was up around 6. (Doesn’t anyone but me like to stay in bed until the sun’s actually up??)

During the morning rush, Miles was playing in the recycling bin rather than putting on his shoes like I’d asked him to … 6 TIMES ALREADY! Next thing I know, he’s screaming and crying and bleeding. Apparently, he’d stepped on a piece of broken glass. Upon closer inspection, it turned out not to be as awful as it looked. But by the time we’d dealt with all that, we were late to school and the baby had missed his morning nap window.

The rest of the day passed typically with Riley spitting up all over everyone and everything -– now in a rainbow of colors, thanks to his diet of fruits and vegetables! -– and Miles not napping. We were supposed to go to a school picnic that evening, which I was dreading having to manage solo since C. wouldn’t be home from work in time.

But just before I was about to start getting everybody ready, Miles let the dog in from the backyard. She went tearing through the house, tripped over my computer cord, and sent my laptop crashing to the floor. Pieces of metal and plastic scattered everywhere.

I lost it. (My sanity, I mean. Not my computer. Like Miles’ cut, it turned out the damage was mostly superficial.) I am not cut out for this. I quit. I’m moving to Guam. I can’t do this anymore. The world is against me. Those are just a few of the thoughts that went through my mind.

So when C. and I were talking later that night and he said, “It was your choice to stay home with the kids.” I kind of lost it. Again. (This time I mean my temper, not my sanity. Which as you may recall, was already gone.)

First, let me clarify that my husband was not trying to be an unsympathetic jerk. Rather, he was genuinely perplexed about what to do and trying to find a solution, in that typically male way. A problem? Let’s fix it! Then we can stop talking and watch the game already!

But something about that word “choice” infuriated me. What was he TALKING about? That’s like telling the castaways on Gilligan’s Island, “Well, hey, you guys CHOSE to go on that 3-hour tour!”

Did my husband really think I CHOSE to spend 12 hours a day wiping butts and cleaning up glass shards by myself?? Did he think that before we had kids I had any idea what was involved? That I’d be required to fish pieces of newspaper and Legos out of my 6 m.o.’s mouth that he’d grabbed while I was busy cleaning up a dirty diaper the dog had shredded? Or that potty-training my older son would be an extended form of malodorous torture? Or that I’d spend most of my days dividing my time between 2 needy beings who require constant feeding and attention and I’d barely have time to brush my teeth, let alone write anything?

The way I see it, the choice boiled down to this: C.’s job pays more and provides health benefits. I am a self-employed freelance writer. I can work as much or as little as I like, from anywhere. I never intended to stop working. And I never seriously considered full-time childcare. I assumed that I could have the best of both worlds. And you know what they say when you assume…

Today I was catching up on some blog reading and I came across this post on Jeannette Maw’s Good Vibe Blog. Here’s an excerpt:

“… I believe there is one thing that can help no matter the situation we’re dealing with.

That is to recognize we have a choice.

We always have a choice.

Once upon a time I hated my job, but I went because of the story I believed about how I should be grateful for it, that bills needed paying, and that the investment in this career shouldn’t be wasted, etc. etc.

And it was misery.

But once I realized (with the help of a coach) that I actually had a choice as to whether I got out of bed and went to work, it wasn’t quite as awful to go. I could stay home. That was an option!

That choice would have consequences, surely … but it was an option!

Believe it or not, that was a new perspective to me. I could stay home! I could get a different job. I could spend my savings. I could go bankrupt. I could move back home with folks. (Okay, maybe not that.) But I had options!

All of a sudden this option (of going to work) made sense. (Until it didn’t, and then I quit.)
But it was easier to go to work when I did it out of choice.”

Hmmm… When you put it THAT way… Perhaps I have more choice about our situation than I’ve led myself to believe. Maybe it’s time to reconsider my options, shake up the status quo.

As soon as I’ve duct-taped my laptop back together, stain-treated the carpet, and picked up all the loose change within Riley’s reach, I intend to do just that.

QUOTE O’ THE WEEK: Me: “Miles, how’d you get so cute?” Miles: “I’m not cute, Mom, I’m awesome!”

SHOUT OUTS: Sending virtual hugs to A.G., C.R. & T.S. I know I’m not the only mama dealing with trials and tribulations!