Pregnancy Butt

So last time I was pregnant, my idea of fun was faithfully documenting my growing belly on film. I had my husband take a photo at the same time, same place, and in the same clothes every month. But to my dismay, I soon realized the photos not only showed my burgeoning bump, but another part of me that was growing larger by the week as well—my butt. That was my ugly introduction to the dreaded Pregnancy Butt.

Now listen: Pregnancy Butt has nothing to do with a woman’s original size, shape, or weight. It doesn't discriminate; it happens to EVERYONE.

I can say this with conviction because I witnessed this phenomenon occur even in one of the tiniest, fittest people I know, one of my fitness instructors. When you’re in class day after day, week after week, with nothing to look at but the instructor in front of you, you notice things. It’s not that I was TRYING to stare at her butt, mind you, it was just right there in front of me! And sure enough, even her tiny, perfect, muscled rear-end began to get a little "fuller" each week as her pregnancy progressed.

I’m not ashamed to admit that this gave me a certain satisfaction. It wasn’t that my junk in the trunk was a result of being lazy and indulging my doughnut cravings for 9 mos.; it was BIOLOGY. In a way, it’s simple physics: your butt HAS to get bigger in order to balance out all that weight in front. Right?

So, anyway, now that I knew what to expect, I thought I wouldn’t care this time around. But Pregnancy Butt snuck up on me again. I was running around the mall one Saturday in my yoga pants, either coming from the gym or intending to go at some point between then and the following weekend, when I caught sight of my reflection in a store window. Oh my GOD! Was that MY butt? It was more puffed up than a baby’s in a diaper and tight pajamas! (Now THAT’S a cute look.)

I quickly tied my sweatshirt around my waist and vowed never to wear stretch pants in public again. I guess there’s a reason why most maternity tops are long enough to cover your rear.

But once again, I thought I’d made peace with the situation—mostly by sticking to one pair of flattering Motherhood Maternity jeans that I wear almost 24/7—until … I unsuspectingly walked past a Spinning class at the gym. I was feeling pretty good about myself for putting in 15 min. on the treadmill and 20 min. on the weights. So what if I was about to undo my efforts with a pumpkin spice latte and a muffin? At least I was making an effort, right?

And then I walked by this class, at the part where everyone stands up on their bikes, and spotted this woman with an inhumanly firm ass. I mean this thing looked like it was sculpted out of steel, people. It was shimmering in shiny black Spandex bike shorts, taunting me. It was a firm honeydew to my bowl of cottage cheese. It was a marble sculpture to my bag of wet cement. You get the picture.

Of course, Miss Buns of Steel wasn’t pregnant. I am. I must push past my unrealistic expectations and accept my burgeoning backside. But you won’t catch me capturing it on film this time. I don’t need to document this posterior for posterity!

RECIPE O’ THE WEEK: They won’t make your butt smaller, but these Pumpkin Butterscotch Muffins were a big hit at the school bake sale.

*ALERT* HALLOWEEN CANDY RECALLED: Sherwood brand Pirate's Gold Milk Chocolate coins are being recalled due to the fact that they contain Melamine, the ingredient in milk product that has caused many infant (and dog) deaths in China. These candies are sold at Costco, as well as many bulk and dollar stores.