Celebrity Bump Watch 2008

So I was catching up on my talk shows the other day, which I like to record and watch on nights when there’s nothing on TV but terrible reality shows, like “Dancing With the Biggest Losers in Rehab” or whatever. (I mean, “Farmer Wants a Wife”? Seriously?) Almost every single show featured a segment on pregnant celebrities. Among those currently sporting “baby bumps” are Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Nicole Kidman, Gwen Stefani, and Tori Spelling, in case you’re keeping track. (BTW, who knew there was an entire web site devoted to this topic? And photo galleries? And slideshows??)

I won’t lie: I like to keep up with procreating celebs, too. But I couldn’t help but notice how repetitive the coverage was. The questions were limited to: whether they were expecting a boy or a girl, cravings, and weight gain. Come on! It’s almost as if the talk show hosts learned everything they know about pregnancy from an episode of “The Simpsons.” If I were Jessica Alba, I would clock the next person who asked me how I felt about my “new figure” (a euphemism for blowing up from a size 0 to the size of an orca), or how I planned to lose the baby weight. In fact, I will SCREAM if I read one more interview that even mentions the phrase “baby weight” -- usually with any female celebrity who’s had a baby in the last decade. Get over it, people! !

And then there’s my favorite: the media referring to celebrities as “heavily pregnant” and “ready to pop” -- even if the woman in question is MONTHS from delivery. Good for Jennifer Garner, who I once saw respond to some nosy reporter who implied that she might give birth right there on the red carpet, “Bite your tongue! I’m only 7 mos. along!”

When Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman, and Jessica Alba showed up at the Oscars, the media had a field day. The “bump watch” coverage was incessant. They even had “best-dressed bump” categories in the fashion round-ups. And the reporters couldn’t NOT ask the actresses about their pregnancies. “When are you due?” was usually the first question out of their mouths, even before, “Who are you wearing?” (Guess they’re not interested in designer muu-muus). Um, aren’t they there to receive prestigious awards for their work?

Of course, lots of people asked me when I was due during my pregnancy, too. It’s a fair question, I suppose. (But isn’t it embarrassing when you think they said, “What do you do?” and you launch into a big explanation of your job, and they just stand there with a blank look on their face? Or maybe it's just me.)

So this is what I want to tell all of you non-celebrities who are pregnant, especially the first-timers (that’s you, L.V.C.!):

Do not go out and buy an extensive pregnancy wardrobe right off the bat. Borrow from friends and/or buy as you go. Otherwise you will end up squeezing yourself into a too-short top that you naively bought in your first trimester, a couple sizes bigger than your usual size, not having any clue just how huge your belly would become.

Do not obsess about how much weight you’re gaining. If you’re eating healthfully, you have very little control over it anyway. I laughed when a new-to-me doctor came into the exam room when I was about 8 mos. pregnant and said, not looking up from her chart, “You’ve gained 35 pounds already. You may want to keep an eye on that.” Sure. I’ll tell the baby to curb his Twinkie habit. I mean, it’s not as if I was sitting around stuffing my face with donuts (at least not every day). That’s just how much weight my body put on.

Unless you’re doing it purely for entertainment purposes, do not pay attention to pregnant celebrities. They will only make you feel bad about yourself. They can afford stylish, expensive maternity clothes and weekly spray-on tans. Dig up virtually any photo of Britney Spears’ pregnancies, or watch reruns of the first season of “Tori & Dean: Inn Love,” to see for yourself that even famous people can look not-so-fabulous when they’re expecting, just like the rest of us. If that doesn’t make you feel better, can I offer you a donut?

PIC O’ THE WEEK: If you can’t go to Preakness… Here’s Miles watching the horse race on TV atop his own fine steed.