Stuff My Kids Say

He’s an Internet legend: the guy who started a Twitter page called “@#$& My Dad Says” to chronicle his curmudgeonly father’s salty sayings and promptly got a book deal and a sitcom starring William Shatner. Well, I think my kids could give him a run for his money. IMO, they’re funnier, more family-friendly, and way cuter, to boot.

One of the perks of having kids that I didn’t anticipate is how they provide constant entertainment. I thought it would be all peek-a-boo and knock-knock jokes, but no. My boys - who are barely as old as my newest pair of jeans - are laugh-out-loud funny on a daily basis. Good thing I have my Twitter page to keep track of their antics. Here’s a small sampling from the last 2 weeks:

Mar. 15: 4yo picks out random assortment of clothing. Me: "You're going to wear ALL that?" M: "You'll see how it all works out, Mom.” [How it worked out was lots and lots of layers. It was an eye-popping mishmash of Batman and Super Mario and Crocs, oh my!]

Mar. 14: Was getting Playdoh out of the jam-packed closet & the iron fell out. M: "That really hurts on Tom & Jerry."

Mar. 11: 2yo requested Glee Xmas album in the car. And by requested, I mean he yelled until I put it on.

Mar. 10: 4yo won't eat the bread on his sandwich because it's "undelicious."

Mar. 3: M. was trying to hitchhike on our street. He says he saw it on the Pink Panther. Had to explain it's a no-no in the non-cartoon world.

Mar. 3: I swear, my 2yo gets stuck in the kitchen chair about 4x a day - a leg, an arm, his HEAD. [Note: He’s totally doing it on purpose. I’ve tried ignoring him and letting him untangle himself, but then his big brother gets involved and things take a turn for the worse.]

It’s no surprise to anyone that kids say and do quirky things, of course, but somehow it’s even funnier when they’re your own. We were all lying in bed the other morning trying to get an extra few minutes sleep while my 2yo wandered around our room slamming closet doors and rummaging through drawers.

Riley picked up C.’s cellphone and announced, “Daddy want phone EVERY DAY.” We all busted out laughing. The kid’s barely 2 and he’s already picked up on his dad’s smartphone addiction! Now if he could only figure out how to get himself unstuck from the kitchen chairs...

A Baby Walks into a Bar...

Riley told his first joke yesterday. It went like this:

Riley: “Knock-knock!”

Us: “Who’s there?”

Riley: “Neena.” (His word for banana.)

Us: “Neena who?”

Riley: “Peena!”

Isn’t that hysterical? What? You don’t get it? Well, it’s sophisticated humor. It’ll come to you later.

It thrills me no end that my son is funny even at the tender age of 20 mos. (And before that, he was cracking us up without words. He was like a tiny, talented, not-scary mime.)

Do you know it’s a sad fact that millions of people are born each year without a sense of humor? I know, I’ve met some of them. It’s particularly unfortunate if you happen to be on a date with one of these people or are being interviewed by one.

Humor is hugely important to me. I don’t know if you can tell, but I like to laugh. Mostly at myself and my children. (I can’t help it; we provide an endless stream of material.) I don’t know where this came from, exactly, since it’s not like my family sat around the dinner table trading quips when I was growing up.

Though my grandmother was a master of dry humor. She would pronounce a dull Scrabble game or my grandfather’s golf scores “gripping” and have us all snorting with laughter with a single look. She once said to my grandfather when they were dating, “Excuse me, but I believe you’ve mistaken my knee for the gearshift.” LOL!

If anything, my sons’ humor comes from their dad’s side of the family. My husband famously once snuck up on his sister wearing a gorilla mask while she was writing in her diary. Hilarity ensued. He still cracks up just talking about it.

It’s a well-known fact that one of the most endearing sounds in the world is a baby’s laughter. There’s a reason baby-themed entries frequently win “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” (Followed closely by pets, old people, and rednecks getting kicked in the crotch.)

We do have a lot of laughter in our house. And thank god for that. Because when they’re not cracking me up, my kids can -- and do -- drive me “neenas.”

VIDEO O’ THE WEEK: Who knew a raccoon puppet in a trash can could be so funny?

You Brought a Baby Where?!

Sometimes I see people with a brand-new baby in a wildly inappropriate place -- like, say, a baseball game or a bar -- and I wonder whether those parents were so desperate to regain some semblance of their former life that they thought, "Intense sun exposure and second-hand smoke be damned, we're bringing the baby!"

Now, I'm not one to talk. My son's very first outing was to an Irish pub to celebrate my birthday. We sat on the patio and propped him up next to a pint of Guinness for a photo opp. But at some point I realized that nursing in the car and changing diapers in ridiculously inconvenient changing stations in dirty public bathrooms was not how I wanted to spend my time.

Besides, while newborns are quite portable and often quiet, babies that are a little older are not. When Miles was about 5 mos. old we took him to a museum, where he screeched and bellowed the whole time because he liked the way it echoed throughout the silent, marble-floored galleries. Shockingly, no one asked us if we were interested in a museum membership that day.

If you feel you MUST get off the couch and out of your sweatpants for an outing with a small baby, here are some suggestions:

A street fair. If it’s not too hot or too crowded, an afternoon of al-fresco people-watching is a new-parent friendly activity. Especially if you carry your baby in a sling or carrier so you don’t have to worry about running into people’s ankles with a stroller. Of course, you must accept the inherent risks of eating street food and using a Porta-potty. Tip: bring lots of hand sanitizer.

An outdoor concert. And I don’t mean a Metallica cover band in a liquor-store parking lot. I’m thinking more along the lines of smooth jazz under the stars or Mozart in the park. Around here, there’s a popular Friday-night concert series with family-friendly reggae and Jimmy Buffet-type bands. Although, again: Porta-potties.

The zoo. If your baby’s old enough to see more than a foot in front of his face, he may enjoy looking at wildlife, especially animals like elephants and giraffes that are large enough for him to actually see. Or, he may be terrified of the chimpanzees. You won’t know till you try.

The mall. So it’s not exotic or educational. At least they have refreshments and indoor bathrooms. Plus, if there’s a Nordstrom’s or another upscale department store, you may find a clean, comfortable “mother’s room” where you can feed and change your baby without gagging.

Avoid places that are quiet and frequented by lots of old people. That may be the day your precious little one gets colic. And note that some places (like the aquarium in our city) ban strollers, so you may have to haul your hefty tot around in your arms all day.

If you really want my opinion, I say stay home. There will come a time soon enough when you’ll have to take your child to such insidious places as Chuck-E-Cheese and Gymboree. Why rush things?

LINK O' THE WEEK: For club-kids who grew up and had their own kids, Baby Loves Disco is like a nightclub for tots. Only during the day. And with snacks. I like the idea, but when it came to my area it was $60+ for a family of 4. Too steep, IMO. But check out the tour dates -- in some places it's free.

Fun with Juggies and Funk

Think life with little ones is all dirty diapers, spit-up, and safety hazards? (Now who on earth could’ve given you THAT impression?! ;) Not so, my friends. Sometimes it’s more fun than you can shake a stick at. Though I wouldn’t advise it, because sticks are sharp and someone could lose an eye.

If your definition of fun involves tequila shots and shirtless frat boys, of course, you’re in for a bit of an adjustment post-kids. Though I would daresay the shirtless guys around my house are MUCH cuter than any beer-soaked dude in a backwards baseball cap. (Although did you SEE the photos of Zac Efron in People magazine recently?!)

Here’s just a small sampling of the shenanigans we get up to around here:

Making fun of each other. I’d say we laugh WITH each other rather than AT each other, but that would be a lie. Fortunately, a lot of times we’re laughing at the baby, who’s too young to realize he’s the butt of our jokes.

Speaking of butts, the Huggies jeans diapers he’s been sporting since my MIL bought him a pack are an endless source of amusement. Have you seen these? C. calls them “Juggies” (Get it? Jeans + Huggies) or Daisy Dukes.

Baby dance parties. Anyone who’s ever seen an episode of “America’s Funniest Videos” can attest to the fact that kids + music = hilarity. Kids just seem to have this natural rhythm that can’t be contained. Riley starts rocking out to any tune he hears, even the theme music of Miles’ video games.

The other day I had the XM Radio tuned to my personal favorite station, acoustic coffeehouse feminists or something like that, when the baby grabbed the remote and somehow navigated to old school funk. Get down, get down… He sure can shake his Juggies-clad booty.

Taking pictures. I’m going to reveal my advanced age with this comment, but can I just say how astounding I find it that my 4 y.o. can use a digital camera? And he actually takes really good pictures! Check out this artistic sky shot. I was twice his age before I got my first Polaroid camera. A Polaroid!! I’d have a hard time trying to even explain what film is to today’s kids. Wow, I’m old.

Other pastimes include streaking, karaoke, and Mommy & Me happy hours with the neighbors. Although I’ve sacrificed many a glass of wine to rescue someone from a tricycle collision or errant Frisbee. Maybe it’s time to get one of those hands-free beer hats. You know, like a beer-soaked frat boy.

LINK O’ THE WEEK: “Sh*t My Kids Ruined” features photos of – you guessed it – stuff kids have destroyed, defaced, or worse.