Police Report: “The Sink Incident”

Case Number: 06/08/2006/1234

Incident: Flooded Bathroom

Reporting Officer: Constable Lowman N. Totempole

At about 1830 hours on 15th November 2010, the DiaryofaNewMom family was having dinner in their home. After finishing his meal and hurling comestible projectiles from his highchair, the youngest child was excused from the table. His mother resumed her meal, aside from repeated interruptions from the elder child requesting alternate menu options and additional beverages.

Ms. Mom2Miles maintains that at that point the baby required a diaper change, the contents of which necessitated immediate bathing of the child. (The explicit details of said diaper are deemed inappropriate for description in this official document.) The mother wishes to state for the record that “this happens every single damn time I try to sit down to eat” and added, “It’s no wonder I subsist mainly on coffee and leftover Halloween candy.”

Ms. Mom2Miles began to bathe the youngest child. She urged the elder child to accompany his brother in the bath, as was customary. He refused. He then proceeded to remove his clothing anyway and play in the sink.

Ms. Mom2Miles reported that she heard a “gushing” noise and turned around to find her elder child sitting naked in the sink -- described as “smaller than a soup bowl” -- with a large quantity of water spilling out over the counter and onto the floor.

I conducted a survey of the crime scene and found several items of evidence, including approximately 1/4 inch of water on the bathroom floor; several wet towels; and an assortment of multicolored plastic playthings designed to squirt water.

I obtained a sworn statement from Ms. Mom2Miles and provided her with the case number and Information Leaflet 99/03 ("What to do when your preschooler infuriates you"). I attempted to help clean up the area and calm the minors but was unable to stand the noise and general level of chaos in the home and quickly vacated the premises.

The following police sketch illustrates the incident described in this report.

A – The suspect, the elder child known as “Miles,” standing at the sink.

B – The mother, aka Ms. Mom2Miles. The letters “ON” appearing to her left are thought to mean “Nooo!” which is what she yelled when she saw the waterfall cascading from the sink.

C – a fire truck, “because I like fire trucks,” said the suspect. (Who, it should be noted, is also the artist who rendered this sketch.)