Movie Night Fail

My fondness for the movies first began to decline when I was pregnant. Squeezing my girth into a cramped theater seat was no fun, especially when I had to go to the bathroom every 20 min. Plus, I had jumpy babies. The loud noises at the movies made them do an in-utero disco. Elbows and knees and heels, oh my! So I stayed home and signed up for Netflix.

But after the baby was born, even watching a video was tricky. If we did manage to find that elusive window between feedings and naps and diaper changes, I’d much rather sleep. Nowadays, we have 2 kids who sleep through the night (mostly), but our evenings look like this:

7-7:30 p.m. – Put the baby to bed. He’s the easy one. A couple of board books and a pacifier and he’s out.

8 p.m. on – Put the preschooler to bed. Usually, this is Dad’s domain. Unfortunately for him, he introduced an exciting new element to the bedtime routine, and is now a slave to the epic tales of fantasy and action he weaves nightly for our son. Each night they get longer and more involved, and each night C. struggles to stay awake and come up with new storylines.

Meanwhile, I’m downstairs waiting for him to start the movie. Occasionally, C. does not come back down. I sigh, resolve to rouse him from our son’s room when I go to bed, and settle in to watch a chick flick. Or, more often, by the time he DOES come downstairs, I’m already too tired to watch a whole movie.

Such was the case the other night when he persuaded me to watch Avatar. I’m not a huge science fiction fan, but this movie got so much press that even I was curious to see it. Only I didn’t realize it was almost 3 HOURS LONG. Good lord, people, I don’t have that kind of time! Especially not at 9 p.m. when I’m on my second glass of wine.

I gave it my best effort, though, rallying till the last half hour. But as a parent, you know there’s always that chance you’ll be awakened in the middle of the night or the pre-dawn hours. I couldn’t risk my rest. I went to bed, secure in the belief that the movie – which we ordered on-demand from DirecTV and recorded – would be there on our DVR for at least the next 24 hours.

Only it wasn’t. When I sat down to watch it the next night, it was gone. I called DirecTV and pleaded my case. I was told that the movie had expired at 6 a.m., NOT 24 hrs later like we’d thought. (Aside: I find it funny that DirecTV began and ended the call by thanking us for being loyal customers for 7 years. The middle part was basically, “Screw you. There’s nothing we can do.”)

So I will never know what happened to the persecuted Na’vi people of Pandora. Did they roam the floating mountains and glowing forests in their skinny blue bodies for all eternity? Was their planet full of weird creatures and scary plants bulldozed into oblivion by the evil Americans? Did the guy in the wheelchair wake up and find it was all an elaborate dream? I’ll never know.

The next time I get the urge to watch a movie, I’ll just skip the hassle and go right to bed. I’d rather sleep than wonder why not one of those skinny blue aliens was pregnant, anyway. (Seriously? Not one. I did spot a baby one, though.)

FLICK O’ THE WEEK: Are you ready, ladies? The movie I’m REALLY excited to see is “Sex and the City 2,” opening Thurs. But first, I just need to find something to wear...