Sad News

I am generally not a fan of the “it could be worse” school of counseling. In my experience, reminding yourself or someone else who’s having a hard time that things could suck even more only diminishes their feelings, creates guilt, and makes them feel even more rotten.

Yesterday, however, I got a jarring reminder that no matter how difficult my days are right now, I’m very, very lucky in so many ways.

I was walking around soaked in spit-up 10 min. after my first shower in days, with the screeching culprit strapped to my chest as usual, feeling frustrated and guilty. For being so irritated by the constant crying of my newborn that I buckled him into his swing last night and let him scream while I had a glass of wine and watched “Access Hollywood.” For yelling at my almost 3-year-old son for hiding behind the couch and pooping in his Pull-Up YET AGAIN literally 2 min. after sitting on the potty, insisting he didn’t have to go.

I called my parents to commiserate and my dad told me the news: a family friend had just lost one of her 2-mo.-old twins, apparently to SIDS. My heart broke.

I hesitated to post about this for many reasons. I know there are expectant and new moms reading this. My intention is not to scare people. SIDS is by definition a freak occurrence. It’s unexplained and asymptomatic. It affects just 1 in about 2,000 babies each year. If you’re putting your baby to sleep on his back as we all know you’re supposed to, there’s very little else you can do to prevent SIDS. But since I have the misfortune of knowing 2 people who’ve lost babies to SIDS, I feel compelled to address it here.

The first time I ever heard of SIDS was before I had kids, when it happened to a friend of a friend. I learned enough about it that by the time my first son was born, I was scared spitless. I grilled people at new-mom support groups about what type of blanket to swaddle my baby in and how to tell if he was choking or just gurgling. I found no answers, just more things to worry about. One group leader looked at me gently and said, “You have a new baby. Enjoy him.” Translation: Go home and stop making yourself crazy worrying about freak occurrences.

This time around, my reaction is different. I’m not going to change anything I’m doing with my newborn. I’m not going to go out and buy a top-of-the-line SIDS monitor or start sleeping with a fan on, per the latest SIDS-prevention recommendations. I’m going to be sad for my friend and so very grateful that I have a healthy, strong-lunged baby.

I’m also not going to list the ways to reduce the risk of SIDS; you can find that info here and lots of other places on the Internet. Instead, I will share this article on how to help someone who’s lost a baby to SIDS that I found on the web site of the Canadian Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths. The main points are: listen, and let your friend know she’s not alone. No one ever “gets over” the death of their child, but most learn to live with it over time.

My friend has suffered a devastating loss. I can’t begin to understand what she and her family must be going through right now. But hearing her sad news has made an impact on how I look at my own situation. No, I’m not going to appreciate and enjoy every moment of motherhood. I think that’s unrealistic. But I am going to try to remember that all of life’s moments -- good and bad -- are fleeting. All we really have is the moment we’re in. And I’m going to spend it hugging my babies tight.

LINK O’ THE WEEK: First Candle is a nonprofit organization that offers support to grieving families and raises funds for SIDS research. Crisis counselors are available 24/7 by calling 800-221-7437. You can also make a donation in memory of someone.