Mother’s Helper?

Let me just say from the start that I may come off sounding like an ungrateful little wretch here. But I don’t care. I just wish we could all agree that coming to visit to “help with the baby” is a big, fat façade.

If you want to come see your grandchild/cousin/nephew, fine. Go ahead and give him a ton more obnoxious, battery-powered toys. Bring him piles and piles of clothes that will spend more time in the laundry basket than on his body. Sneak him bites of your ice cream and snacks every time he asks and then playfully scold his parents when he doesn’t eat his vegetables at dinner. Just don’t do it all under the guise of “helping.”

Now, I will admit: those first few weeks when I had no clue what I’d gotten myself into, when I couldn’t figure out how to eat, shower, and care for a newborn in the same 24-hour period, then it actually WAS very helpful to have my mother and mother-in-law visit. Another set of arms was invaluable, especially if those arms knew their way around a kitchen and washing machine.

But now that I’m out of baby boot camp? It’s actually MORE work for me to tell would-be helpers where the pots and pans are, how the highchair works, and what the baby does and doesn’t eat than it is to just do everything myself. And as you can see, Miles does a pretty good job of helping himself these days. Also, I can’t stand for other people to come into my kitchen and load the dishwasher wrong. (Bowls all facing the same direction = right. Thrown willy-nilly on top of the glasses with plates jammed in between = wrong.) I’m sorry if that makes me sound like an unappreciative control freak.

Besides, when most people say they want to “help,” what they really mean is that they want to hold the baby, coo at him, maybe read him a book or take him for a walk around the block. They do not want to change dirty diapers, pick oatmeal out of his hair, or rock him back to sleep at 4:30 a.m. In fact, I do not believe that my own mother has ever willingly changed her grandson’s poopy diaper. (She does, however, outfit him with a new wardrobe every few months, and feed him breakfast sometimes. I feel obligated to mention that lest she refuse to babysit ever again.)

Look, I don’t blame the grandparents for not wanting to do my dirty work. They changed a bazillion of their own kids’ diapers, for pete’s sake. But when people ask, “What can I do to help?” wouldn’t you just love to say, “Could you wash out the diaper pail with bleach, change the crib bedding, sort out all the outgrown clothes in the baby’s closet, vacuum the Goldfish crumbs out of the car, and then research potty seats on the Internet?”

I’ve often wished I could hire some help from 5-8 a.m., and then from 5-8 p.m. Strangely, no one seems to want to work those hours. But they line up to sit when the baby’s sleeping. I did have a fabulous sitter who would fold our laundry when the baby went to bed. That was a HUGE help. My SIL actually left the kitchen cleaner than she found it when she came to visit. And, you know, it actually is kind of helpful for someone to take the baby for a walk. That gets them out of the house so I can re-load the dishwasher properly.

Besides, I suppose I shouldn’t look a gift helper in the mouth, to mangle a metaphor. We moms need all the help we can get.

TIP O’ THE WEEK: Wash any sharp utensils by hand. That way, you don’t have to worry about any small helpers hurting themselves on the steak knives when they help you unload the dishwasher.