Quick: what do you think of when you hear the word “feminist”? A man-hating, Birkenstock-wearing, non-leg-shaving activist? Many people do, I’m afraid, given the reaction of one of my cousins when the word came up during a family game night. “I’m NOT a feminist!” she sputtered, recoiling in horror at the very suggestion. You’d think she’d been accused of burning her bra.
Is it really such a bad thing, feminism? Wikipedia, that online font of knowledge, defines it as “an ideology focusing on equality of the sexes.” Sounds good to me. Sure, there are extremists, as with anything. Did you ever see “Legally Blonde”? You know Elle’s militant lesbian law school classmate who wants to change the word “semester” to “ovester”? (Think semen vs. ovaries.) She’s one example.
Look, I’m guilty of harboring certain stereotypes myself. Even though I’m a vegetarian, I think vegans are nuts. (Do they even eat nuts? Or is that all they eat? I can’t keep track.) Even though I’m an advocate of breastfeeding, the La Leche League scares me a little. And even though I consider myself a feminist, you won’t catch me advertising it on a T-shirt. Probably because I don’t want to be grouped in with the crazies. :)
Still, equality of the sexes has been on my mind a lot lately. Despite growing up with a father who shared the cooking and child-rearing responsibilities and a mother who made great strides for womankind (see last week’s post), despite having a degree from Vassar, despite railing against gender stereotypes my whole life (pity the poor soul who ever said I “throw like a girl”!), I now find myself … staying home with my baby while my husband goes to work. You might as well slap an apron on me and call me Betty Crocker.
OK, not really. Because I don’t cook much. Or clean. It’s just that, as you may have picked up on, I’m not 100% comfortable in my current role of full-time stay-at-home/ part-time work-at-home mom. And I’m kind of disgruntled with our society as a whole, actually.
The husband of my friend S., mom to three boys, has to travel frequently for work. Once, shortly after his son was born, he had to go on a 10-day business trip. Ten days, people!! Give me one good reason why his employer should not be required to provide a nanny to cover for him at home during his absence.
And why would my neighbor, a SAHM, ask me how my husband feels about “letting” me go to the gym a couple nights a week after a 10-hour day with a toddler? Why does a guy get to call in sick to work and recuperate in bed while his wife, when she’s sick, is still expected to care for the kids all day? Why do people heap praise on a dad for “babysitting” his own kids? How is it really a “choice” for a mom to stay home if childcare costs outweigh her earnings?
The feminist movement was all about giving women choices, right? Well, the whole “choice” issue is a loaded one. I choose to stay home with my son and work part time because 1) my husband earns more than I do, 2) I have a job I can do part-time from home, 3) we don’t live near family and full-time childcare is too costly for us, and 4) I couldn’t stand being away from Miles all day, anyway.
OK, this has veered off into a rant, and I don’t want to give my cousin any more ammunition against the feminists. So let’s change the subject to movies. I, for one, am eagerly awaiting the next “Legally Blonde” sequel to see how Elle Woods tackles career, motherhood, and universal childcare.
*NEW!* READ O' THE WEEK: Get your hands on the Oct. 8 issue of Newsweek. More interesting even than this article about the "new dad" is this one: "A Mother's View: The 'New Dad'? Give Me a Break," by Lorraine Ali. The average dad spends way more time with his kids than any other generation -- but that's still only 7 HOURS A WEEK!!
TIP O’ THE WEEK: Even though she’s kind of an angry feminist, Faulkner Fox has done her research and makes some excellent points in her book, “Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child
10/9/07
Month 17: The F Word
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4 comments:
Great post. I'm right with you.
Best,
Kelli
I stay at home for exactly the reasons you do (and even switched careers entirely, to writing -- I make far less money but am very happy with the switch).
I think part of our discomfort staying at home is that Gens X/Y are probably the first generations where homemaking wasn't a natural part of our education. So it feels that I've gone from being at the top of my game to being rehired, with no training in home or family basics. I loved to cook, but it's different when you have to cook for adults and kids every night (no more spicy experiments). I didn't mind cleaning before, but it's different when you are constantly picking up after little people and training them to do as you do -- there's much less time and far more to do.
I find myself reading lots of books on how to organize a home, how to keep momentum going on meal planning and cooking, etc. I'm getting better at it all, and very proud of making progress. But I do wish my mom had taught me how to do any of these things long ago.
Nothing like motherhood to make you rethink feminism...
Before I had kids, feminism was a term that went past me... I hate to admit it, but I largely just thought they were whining... life's not fair in a lot of arenas so just do the best you can...
Kids are the great unequalizer for reasons that a large portion of society won't even look at. They are more important than we are. You can't fight a husband who won't take responsibility for their daily needs (ie, the nitwit who needs to be asked to babysit his own offspring... the same nitwit that never takes responsibility for childcare, leaving the house whenever he wants or needs and not worrying about whose minding the fort). Why can't you fight him? Because you're making your kids suffer for his lapses. It's emotional blackmail, you have to put their needs first, which often means putting your own second, or last.
Kids - better than handcuffs. I'm a stay at home mom with three children, and I've put my own writing career on hold for the past ten years to do it, for many of the same reasons you mentioned. I wanted to be home with my kids and it was fiscally a better choice - win, win. On the other hand, my husband got ten years to further his career and he's currently making more than double what he was back then.
Now that I'm trying to get back to it in earnest, I still have the sole responsibility of my kids and their schedules. I still do all of the household things that are, let's face it, more than a full time job. And I'm ten years behind in my professional goals. On the other hand, I have a hell of a lot more to say and a far more passionate voice to speak from... because as hard as motherhood can make professional life, what it gives you as a person is not something I would exchange. They're worth the sacrifices... on some level I feel sorry for the men out there who don't get it, because they're missing out on what fatherhood could be.
Insightful comments. Thanks for your thoughts, ladies!
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