Month 16: Rookie vs. Veteran Moms

So Miles’ lip has finally healed. Now he only sports the usual scrapes and bruises from his everyday adventures. Over the weekend, I had several opportunities to reflect on people’s reactions to baby behavior. I noticed there are stark differences between what I’ll call Rookie Moms (RMs) and Veteran Moms (VMs).

In reality, the RM category includes Rookie Dads, Childless People, and People Who Had Children So Long Ago They’ve Forgotten What It’s Really Like. PWHCSLATFWIRLs will say, “My babies starting sleeping through the night at one week old” and “We fed you kids steak as soon as you could hold your heads up.” These are patent lies, but time -- and years of sleep deprivation -- has erased the facts from their memories.

Anyway, let’s say a group of RMs and VMs are sitting around visiting a mom with a new baby. One woman is holding the newborn when he has a diaper blowout of epic proportions, splattering himself, the person holding him, and all the upholstery within a 3-foot radius. Cut to the reactions:

RM: Oh, my God! That is soooo disgusting!! I can’t believe it, he’s never done that before! I am soooooo sorry!! I will totally pay for your drycleaning! Quick, someone grab the Lysol, rubber gloves and surgical masks!!

VM: Oh, good. He’s not constipated anymore. Can someone hand me a paper towel?

Scenario #2: A toddler is playing on a mechanical truck at the mall. In his enthusiasm, he whacks his nose into the steering wheel. Hysteria ensues.

RM: Oh, my God! That is soooo awful!! I can’t believe I let that happen! I am soooooo sorry, sweetie!! I will totally hit myself in the nose twice as hard so I can feel your pain! Quick, someone call 911!!

VM: Oh, good. He didn’t chip a tooth this time. You’re OK, sweetie. Let’s go before Baby Gap closes.

Scenario #3: A baby is just learning to crawl and explore his surroundings.

RM: Fearing disease, dismemberment, or worse, she covers all surfaces the baby might encounter with protective blankets and/or bubble wrap. Just to be extra safe, she carries the baby around most of the time.

VM: Sweetie, let’s not sit in the kitty litter box, OK? And watch your head when you crawl under the glass and chrome table. Hey! No chewing on electrical cords! Next time it could be plugged in. Go splash in the dog bowl until Mommy’s done brushing her teeth.

TIP O’ THE WEEK: If you’re watching or playing with someone else’s baby, take your cues from his parents. If they seem like the extra-protective sort, don’t dangle the baby in front of your pet pit bull, even if Bruiser is friendly. If the parents seem laid back, you probably don’t need to disinfect the baby’s pacifier every time he drops it on the couch.