Month 16: It's Just a Baby Tooth

My baby looks like he’s been in a bar fight. He fell on his face going down the front steps and split his lip open. Blood? Lots. Swelling? Picture Daffy Duck. Crying? Only when I tried to put ice on it. Helpful tips about applying pressure with wet gauze don’t apply when you have a child who screams and flails his head about like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.”

Miles’ lip was so swollen that I didn’t even notice he had chipped a tooth until later that day when I was tickling him upside down. (You’d think I’d be a little more careful, wouldn’t you?) Yep, there it was -- an unmistakable chip on the corner of his right front tooth. I freaked. I immediately called the pediatrician and then a dentist. Then I called my mom to commiserate.

A tip for all you veteran moms and grandmothers out there: when a new mom calls you, hysterical about a facial deformity her firstborn child has suffered on her watch, it’s not helpful to say, “Oh, that’s only the beginning” or “I’ve seen much worse” or “Oh, cute! I bet he looks like Huck Finn.” This is a BABY we’re talking about, people, not a pro hockey player! And maybe it’s cute for a 7-year-old Little Leaguer to have no front teeth, but Miles is a BABY. He just GOT his teeth!!

At least my mother-in-law had some helpful suggestions, like giving him a Popsicle to suck on instead of trying to pin him down with an ice pack. Wish I’d had some on hand.

So the next morning, we show up at the dentist. Miles runs around the waiting room flinging Dr. Seuss books with no idea what’s in store for him. I’m picturing drills, buzz saws, huge needles dripping Novocain… Instead, the dentist makes Miles a “balloon” out of an inflated rubber glove. Ew. Then he tries to pry open Miles’ mouth but Miles isn’t having it and whips his head away hard enough to knock out his other teeth. The dentist says, “Yep, it’s chipped. It’ll smooth itself out in a couple of days. Take care!”

Huh? I doubt he even caught a glimpse of my son’s teeth. I don’t even know how many he has these days, that’s how hard it is to get a look inside his mouth. And this “smooth itself out” business? What kind of nonsense is that?! It’s a broken tooth, not a piece of seaglass! Apparently, they do NADA to fix baby teeth, even if they break in half or turn gray or fall out completely. Because, you know, they’re just BABY teeth. Who cares if your toddler looks like a snaggle-toothed hillbilly? They’re just BABY teeth.

C. actually thought this latest accident might make Miles a little more cautious. Ha! As if. Since his face-plant, Miles has fallen down the (inside, carpeted) stairs once, run himself over with his wheeled highchair, and pulled a dining room chair over on top of himself. In case you’re wondering what kind of deathtrap we live in, we have baby gates and other childproof apparatus covering every square inch of the house. Makes no difference to Danger Boy. Or should I call him Huck Finn?

TIP O’ THE WEEK: If you have an “active” toddler like I do, stock up on Popsicles. Or buy something called a Boo-Boo Bunny. (Someone actually gave me one for my baby shower and I thought, “What the hell is this for?” Little did I know…) Also, map the route to the closest ER. (1.75 miles for us!)