So C. and I were flipping channels the other night and stopped on “The Breakup.” We were quickly reminded why we don’t have fond memories of the first time we saw it. Because it caused an argument.
It started when I hinted – OK, flat-out said – that Vince Vaughn’s character reminded me of him. Specifically, the scene where his girlfriend, played by Jennifer Aniston, asks him to help with dishes. She’d been running around all day cleaning and cooking for a dinner party – in HEELS. He flops onto the couch and says, “I just need to relax for a minute. Let’s do them tomorrow.” Then SHE says she hates waking up to a kitchen full of dirty dishes, so can they just do them real quick. This launches a big fight.
I guess it’s meant to be funny, but it hits too close to home for me. What IS funny is that I saw V.V. as a typical guy and C. saw him as a thoughtless jerk and hence, was insulted when I pointed out their similarities. Meanwhile, I thought J.A. was being perfectly reasonable, and C. saw her as a nagging shrew. Hmm… what’s that thing about Mars and Venus again?
This got me thinking about those Arguments No One Ever Wins. For instance:
Who Works Harder
Me (coming into the room with a basket of unfolded laundry after nursing the baby & seeing C. on the couch): “Hey, hon, do you think you could clean up the kitchen before you start watching TV? I’ve been on my feet all day.”
C (heaving a sigh): “Well, I’VE been going all day, too. Can’t I just relax for a minute?”
Me: “You can, but then you’re going to fall asleep on the couch & you’ll be too rushed in the morning & I’LL have to clean up the kitchen. I NEVER get to relax! At least you get to sit down during the day.”
C: “You mean sitting in traffic during my 2-hr commute & then being on the phone all day? You think that’s relaxing?”
Me: “I would LOVE to sit quietly in a car by myself instead of having 2 people constantly yelling & pulling on me! When do *I* get a break? I never get to clock out!”
C: “Well, I come home & immediately take the kids. I don’t get a break either!”
Me: “They go to bed an hour after you get home! And it IS a break from what you’ve been doing all day.”
C: “Oh, so now you’re saying I don’t do anything? You don’t think my job is stressful?”
Me: “AT LEAST YOU GET TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BY YOURSELF!!!”
I always close with this line because really, how can he argue with that?
The Who Works Harder argument is closely related to Who Slept Worse and Who Does More Around the House. (This involves complex chore math, such as 1 lawn-mowing = 3 dishwasher empties.) When I was pregnant a popular argument was Who’s More Uncomfortable. Personally, I feel that I was the winner there, because the worst flu or tooth pain in the world IN NO WAY compares to growing a person inside your body and squeezing him out of it!
Every time I broach this subject, childless people and my mom get all up in arms. They point out that C. is a Good Guy. (He is.) They point out that he is a great dad who changes diapers and sometimes cooks. (He does.) They point out that throughout history, men have never done an equal share of the childrearing or housework. (True, but so what? As Obama has proven, change is possible!)
To those people I say, “AT LEAST YOU GET TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BY YOURSELF!!!”
LINK O’ THE WEEK: Should you trade sex for housework? My personal feeling is HELL NO. Especially not when you have a 4 mo. old who’s breastfeeding around the clock. But feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.
7/13/09
Arguments No One Wins
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10 comments:
GURL! This argument is universal. For some odd reason, the menz would rather do dishes bleary eyed at 11 pm than right after dinner. I supposed they feel they haven't given the food sufficient time to cake on to the dishes. Why this is, I don't know.
It's like you have my house bugged or something..... :)
Yes, yes, yes! "AT LEAST YOU GET TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BY YOURSELF!" How often have I said that in my years of mommyhood? Eighty bajillion.
Like your C., my husband is a good man. A very good man.
We haven't had the exact argument you describe, but I have found it necessary to point out that unless he does 'stuff'---being primary parent, little house chores, etc.---for a couple of hours when he gets home from work, then my work ends up being a 24-hour job: all day and all night, too.
However, I really do try hard to acknowledge all the stuff that he does; I know that an environment of appreciation and encouragement helps me.
But it really does seem to be a universal issue :)
love,
leila
Were you hiding in my kitchen last night?? I had almost the same discussion with my husband and said to him, "I do stuff too you know!" He obviously doesn't think I'm overloaded because he asked what Oprah had to say recently. I pointed out that I hadn't watched Oprah in forever... didn't tell him that was primarily because it's reruns right now.
Sheesh. I'm just hoping that maybe I'll get some sleep someday? My 5 month old didn't get the memo that he's supposed to sleep longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time at night. so maybe someday I'll Be a little more calm? At least when I go back to working outside of the house I can demand some more help with the chores. Or maybe we should just get a cleaning person! Thanks for the post. It's good to know I'm not alone.
We have had this exact argument! I have also tried to explain about how wonderful a quiet commute to work must be and how amazing it must be to always go to the bathroom by yourself. These are defintely things you lose as a SAHM that no one talks about and you did so in a way that made me laugh. I look forward to reading more.
I think we've had this argument once a week for YEARS. It is the universal argument - I absolutely agree with the above comment (men to blame of course). And yes, I miss having two minutes to myself in the bathroom, and a phone conversation that doesn't involve screaming in the background!
As a new mom-to-be (1/8/2010!)and a new wife (7/17/2009)I have already experienced this same argument countless times and the baby isn't even here yet! Usually I end with "Next time you can have the baby and maybe then I'll let you off the hook with housework since you'll finally understand how badly I need to sit down" since I can't plead the bathroom argument yet. My question is: What are we as women supposed to do? Suck it up and let it go? Rationalizing with the hubby doesn't seem to work very well, he really does feel entitled to sit and veg. even when I'M the one with the full time job in my third trimester. The arguing could go on forever and it drains me of what little energy I have anyway, but it's so important that he GETs what a difference it would make to me. Any suggestions??
my hubby and I split almost everything fairly equally but I always end up doing just a little more. What always makes me feel better is that we agreed once we're done having children he will get a vasectomy. It may sound weird that he agreed to this so readily but it's only fair if you consider how painful labor is and not to mention the months of he** we go through to bring a child into this world. Besides vasectomies are minimally invasive and only mildly painful. So maybe it's not entirely fair but it evens the odds a bit so it cheers me up.
The comment about going to the bathroom alone is so true...
I cant even remember a time when the door wasnt being opened..or they are crying and yelling and kicking the door the entire time.
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