Expensive Li'l Buggers, Aren't They?

Do you know anyone who doesn’t worry about money? Because I don’t. Not single people, not two-income families, not couples with one kid or 4 kids. Everybody is stressed out about the cost of living. I like thinking about gas prices and the economy and saving for retirement about as much as like getting a filling at the dentist. And yet I am plagued with panicky thoughts daily.

I read somewhere that when men learn they’re expecting a baby, they launch into full-on provider mode -- working longer hours, setting up college funds, etc. In fact, I’ve witnessed this phenomenon firsthand. And I used to be kind of cynical about it. I mean how can one be so crass as to worry about money when we’re talking about The Miracle of Life here?! I dismissed all those “kids are expensive” curmudgeons as cold, soulless capitalists. Or at least kill-joys. I wanted to say, “Can’t you just let me frolic among the pastel onesies before you lecture me about 529 plans and HSAs and IRAs?”

Well -- you know where I’m going with this -- turns out, those little bundles of joy ARE expensive. Holy cow, have you calculated the cost of diapers and formula and just the basic gear you need for the first year?! I’m sure I could find a statistic somewhere, but I won’t. It’ll just depress you. Besides, would knowing that really change your mind? “No, I’ve decided not to have a baby until gas prices go down.” As if.

I have a mild coronary every time I have to buy Miles a new pair of shoes. Which is often, because his feet grow sometimes overnight. I think paying $50 for shoes smaller than your fist is morally wrong. But what choice do you have? Let your child walk around barefoot? Tie plastic bags around his sneakers instead of buying snow boots? I’ll tell you what you do -- you take all the hand-me-downs you can get!! And you don’t buy a new pair of white bucks just because they’re super-cute and you’re going to a wedding and you want all the relatives to think your child is adorably dressed. Because they will get worn ONCE. (Trust me on this one.)

But you just can’t cut back on everything. You can’t possibly only buy clothes that you know your child will wear, food you know your baby will eat every bite of and not waste, or only go to the doctor when your child is bleeding because you don’t want to fork over the $25 co-pay. You just can’t. So you have to suck it up and open your wallet and just let the contents flutter out into the universe.

And when your baby is old enough for group activities? Oh, just forget it. Sure, you could sit home and play with your hand-me-down toys day after day after day, or you could schedule play dates or trips to the library or other free outings. But EVERY DAY?? You’re NEVER going to take your child to the zoo, or any place requiring an admission fee? You’re not going to sign up for any Gymboree or baby yoga or toddler music classes or swimming lessons? This strategy may keep your bank account in the black, but I guarantee you will lose your mind from boredom and isolation.

Where I get into trouble is, I always think that if I spend somewhere, I will cut back somewhere else. “Since we joined the pool, I guess we’ll skip our vacation this summer.” Yeah, right!! Not happening. I suppose we could get rid of our Lexus SUV, McMansion, and live-in housekeeper… Oh, wait -- WE DON’T HAVE ANY OF THOSE!!

So what are some real solutions to our money woes these days? Move somewhere with a lower cost of living and hope you and/or your spouse can find jobs? Go back to work if you’re a SAHM and depend on family for free childcare? Push your kid into sports and hope he becomes the next Tiger Woods? Make all your own clothes and grow your own food? (You KNOW how I feel about that…) I just don’t know, people. Thank goodness Miles shows signs of being a smart cookie -- at least we can hope for scholarships!

FACT O’ THE WEEK: Apparently, Oklahoma has the lowest cost of living in the U.S., while Brazil ranks near the lowest cost of living in the world. Rio de Janeiro, here I come! Kids only need flip-flops there, right?