Month 8: Mom vs. Mom

I’m not a huge Oprah fan (see previous post) but I was compelled to Tivo Tuesday’s episode. 20/20 anchor Elizabeth Vargas was on, talking about being a working mom and her decision to quit her news anchor job when she got pregnant with her second child. She came across as very likable and honest. Plus, she has good hair. Then there was the requisite batch of working mothers (WM) and stay-at-home mothers (SAHM) facing off. One SAHM was getting all up in the face of a WM because she (the WM) went back to work when her baby was only 6 weeks old.

But here’s the funny thing – I know the WM, who was identified only as a school principal. If she’s who I think she is, she’s the head of a KIPP charter school near Washington, D.C. Now, I know a lot about KIPP because my friend is the principal of a school here in Baltimore. These are academically intense middle schools for disadvantaged kids. Most students are minorities and come from very tough neighborhoods riddled with drugs and violence. The KIPP staff are super-dedicated, way-underpaid saints, in my opinion. So, hello!, if any mother ever had a good “excuse” for working outside the home, I’d say this woman has it. We’re lucky she even WANTS her job.

See, that’s a big problem I have with these stories and shows about the so-called “Mommy Wars.” They always peg working moms as these power-suit-wearing corporate types who stand on the sidelines of their kids’ soccer games yelling into their cell phones (if they make it there at all). And the SAHMs are either these twinset-clad PTA types, or Earth mothers in chunky jewelry who don’t allow refined sugar in their homes. The implication is always that the SAHMs love their kids more, and that the WMs are all gunning for CEO. I’m exaggerating, but only a little.

Yet most of the moms I know – WMs and SAHMs alike – don’t fit neatly into one of those categories. Some have to work to keep their baby in diapers and Gerber’s, or because their spouse is in med school. Some work to preserve their sanity, some to make use of their expensive education, some because they run their own business, and still others work because they – gasp! – like their jobs. Still, every single one has questioned her decision at one point or another.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but before I had a baby, it never occurred to me that women don’t always have a choice whether to work or stay home. And I’m not even talking about the ones who have to work to pay the bills. I’m talking about moms who don’t earn enough to justify paying for fulltime childcare. (That’d be me.) The idea that it could actually COST someone money to work still blows my mind.

For those who do have a choice, here’s my own personal philosophy on the work vs. stay home dilemma: if your job is making the world a better place, by all means, work. The school principal is a good example. Another one is a scientist I know who researches new vaccines. Hell, yeah, I want her to go back to work! Whereas let’s say, to use an example from my own job history, you work for a web site that tracks which celebrities have had plastic surgery. You really want to be paying a small fortune to daycare for that?

Of course, I’m not out saving the world. And I really have no business passing judgment on the WM vs. SAHM issue because I’m not really in either camp. As a self-employed freelancer, I stepped outside of the corporate world years ago. Paid maternity leave wasn’t an issue because no one was offering it to me. Going “back to work” for me meant hiring a babysitter a couple afternoons a week so I can shut myself in the guest room and make some phone calls. Of course, even that transition was not exactly a smooth one.

On the one hand, my job allows me some of the benefits of working without any major sacrifices. I feel lucky that after a few hours I can shut off the computer and go cuddle my baby on the couch. On the other hand, my son has no college fund. (We’re keeping our fingers crossed for a scholarship or an inheritance.)

I guess I get so riled up about this issue because there really are no “right” answers, and every single mom I know struggles with her decision at some point. Oprah pretty much summed up the only undeniable statement you can make about it: you can have it all, just not all at the same time.

TIP O’ THE WEEK: (I know, I forgot last week.) Whether you’re a WM or a SAHM, subscribe to at least one magazine that is not parenting or work-related. Join a group or pick up a hobby that has nothing to do with being a wife or mom (baby massage class: bad; aromatherapy workshop: good). Go shopping and buy something for yourself – not your house, not your husband, not your child. Not even if Baby Gap is having a huge sale.