Month 5: Confessions of a New Mom

You know I’m starting to get my act together when I post more than once a month. I feel compelled to report on a disturbing trend I’ve noticed among my women friends – the tendency to beat themselves up for anything and everything.

Take my one friend, a working mother of two whose home is always tastefully adorned with seasonal decorations. She beats herself up for not being able to fit into her pre-pregnancy jeans. Then there’s another friend, well into her third trimester and still working, who feels bad about herself for not getting to the gym more. Another new mom admitted to feeling like a slacker because she sent out store-bought invitations to a shower she’s hosting.

Come on, ladies, lighten up on yourselves! I’ve had the same vase of fake cherry blossoms in my living room since last spring. I still eat ice cream every night even though I’m no longer eating for two. And if someone gives me a cute gift bag that hasn’t been written on, damn straight I’ll regift it!

Still, I am sort of embarrassed to admit all this (notice I’m only doing it anonymously on the Internet), which I guess proves my point that we women are too hard on ourselves. And even though we know we shouldn’t, we constantly compare ourselves to other people. So I’m going to make all those self-haters out there feel better about themselves. I’ve drawn up a nice long list of all my shortcomings as a mother. Read it and gloat (or recoil in disgust, your choice):

I drink fully caffeinated coffee, wine, and eat spicy food, even though I am breastfeeding.

I watch all the morning shows while Miles plays on the floor in front of the TV, even though I know the AAP recommends no TV, ever, for children under 2.

I didn’t play classical music or read to my baby in utero; since he’s been born, I’ve only read him a book about 4 times.

Sometimes I go several hours without talking to Miles (not counting “boogety-boo” and “Who’s the cutest boy?”).

I don’t always make people wash their hands before they touch my baby.

If Miles leaks pee onto a particularly cute outfit, I sometimes dry it with the hairdryer rather than change his clothes.

My baby sometimes wears the same socks two days in a row.

I did not once wash his bouncy seat during his first three months of life, despite several diaper leakage incidents.

When Miles was really tiny, I would bite his fingernails rather than attempt the scary nail clippers.

I pick my baby’s nose instead of using the suction-bulb thingie.

Just so you don’t think I’m totally gross, I do bathe my son regularly (OK, semi-regularly) and Purell my hands after I change his diapers. Although just the other day, I overheard a woman at yoga talking about how you’re not supposed to use antibacterial products. Something about killing off the good bacteria, too? Sigh. Add it to the list . . .