The Tankini Manifesto

You know what time it is? Time for my annual swimsuit post! So hold on to your cover-ups, ‘cause here we go...

First of all, can I just tell you how THRILLED I am that we do not live in Miami or LA? Because despite all the hoopla about body image and unrealistic standards for women, I do not live in a place where most people look like they just sashayed off the pages of a Victoria’s Secret catalog. THANK GOD. Because battling my own insecurities is plenty without having to compare myself daily to hordes of thonged, bronzed goddesses.

No offense to my fellow pool-goers, of course, but I am very happy that most people I encounter on a daily basis look like normal people. Except for that one lady in the bikini with the tan and that stomach – holy moly, I’ve never seen a six-pack on a mom before outside of the Olympics! But I digress.

At our pool, you see all kinds. All ages, shapes, and sizes. You see everything from teenage babysitters in itsy-bitsy bikinis and belly rings to women who opt not to shave and wear swim dresses down to their knees. Seriously. I found myself wondering if that woman was Amish. But anyway...

Everyone knows I’m a bit of an O magazine junkie, but I almost choked on my chardonnay when I opened the June issue to see creative director Adam Glassman’s “10 Swimsuit Commandments.” #1 is Thou shalt not buy a tankini. Say WHAT?! Listen here, Adam. The tankini is my saving grace. It’s a GODSEND. And I know 90% of the women at my pool agree with me. That sexy maillot you’re pushing? Is a nightmare when you’re trying to go the bathroom with 2 kids in tow.

But wait – it gets worse. #5 is Thou shalt not hide under a skirted suit and #6: “Boy shorts are unkind even if you have toothpicks for legs.” I FINALLY embraced the swim skirt (remember that?) and bought a cute pair of swim shorts that I don’t constantly have to pick out of my butt every time I bend over to pick up my toddler and now you’re telling me those are DON’TS?!

I beg to differ, Adam. You try taking a couple of small kids to the pool. You try schlepping a carload of crap and changing 2 wiggly little people into swim diapers and board shorts and swim shirts and then greasing them up from head to toe with SPF 50. You try bending over to fish the preschooler’s goggles out of the pool and catch the toddler before he takes a header into the deep end. A toddler who, I might add, is constantly clutching and pulling on your bathing suit, risking a Janet Jackson moment at every turn.

And then you might realize that some of us dress for action at the pool, not fashion. And anyway, I’m pretty happy with my tankinis, so there.

LAUGH O’ THE WEEK: I may be the only person ever who’s gotten a bathing suit tailored. I bought a suit that came with, yes, boy shorts, and then decided they were too risqué so I got the leg holes sewn up a little. That actually seemed easier and more preferable to spending more time bathing suit shopping!

READ O’ THE WEEK: I was browsing through my archives and found that last summer wasn’t that relaxing either. Shocker.