Parenting Advice that Actually Works

I’ve had the idea for this post for a long time. But I only have 2 tips, and as I know from my background in magazines, you need at least 3 examples to make a trend.

Also, people are more likely to read an odd-numbered list. It’s true! Statistics show that most people will read “5 Ways to Drop the Weight” over “10 Tips for Slimming Down by Summer.” Don’t say I never taught you anything. :)

Speaking of magazines, are there certain ones that feel like homework to you? I hate to admit it, since some of my friends write for them, but there are certain parenting magazines that, even though I subscribe, I don’t enjoy actually READING because they’re full of expert advice about what I should be doing, could be doing, and definitely should NOT be doing with my kids. By the time I close the magazine I feel exhausted, guilty, and a failure as a mom and a human being. (Read “7 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day” and tell me you don’t feel the same!!)

But darned if those magazines aren’t right sometimes. I used to openly sneer at the articles about making your kids smiley-face sandwiches and cutesy snacks in the shape of animals. Those are for annoyingly perfect stay-at-home moms with too much time on their hands! I’d think sneer. I can’t be bothered to cut toast into hearts and stars. I’ve got laundry to do! Essays to critique! Paint to watch dry!

Then I had my second child, a kid so averse to vegetables that he would hunt down and pick out a stray carrot shred that I’d tried to sneak into his applesauce. While his big brother would gobble down an entire bowl of steamed broccoli, this baby would squeal like a stuck pig when you tried to fork anything green towards his face.

Then one night Miles was playing with his food. He said, “I’m a dinosaur and I’m going to eat these tiny trees!” Then he’d chomp a piece of broccoli. Riley saw this and immediately began yelling, “Tees too! Tees toos!” So we gave him some broccoli “trees” and to my astonishment, HE ATE THEM. It wasn’t a fluke, either. He’s eaten broccoli several times since. So there you have it, parenting tip #1: Let kids play with their food. Or, Presentation counts.

Tip #2 is far easier: To get kids to listen, talk about them to someone else. Here’s an example: In the mornings, I often ask my 4yo to go upstairs after breakfast and get himself dressed. “Miles, go on up and grab some clothes.” “Miles, it’s time to get dressed now.” “Miles! I asked you to please go get dressed for school!” “MILES!! If you don’t go GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW we will be LATE and you will NOT get to play with your friends at school EVER AGAIN!!”

As an experiment, I decided to see if these parenting mags knew what they were talking about. So I said to my other son, “Riley, I guess Miles doesn’t want to go to school today. I asked him to get dressed 3 times now and he’s not, so I guess he won’t get to play with his friends. And too bad he’ll miss snack time.” Guess what happened? Miles sprang into action. He immediately sprinted upstairs, threw on his clothes and was waiting at the door with his backpack within minutes. Well, how about that?

So there you have it, 2 tried-and-true, expert-approved parenting tips that actually work. Just don’t try to convince me that I should be composting with my toddler, OK?

I’d Like to Thank the Academy, and My Mom & Dad

“Modern Family” fans: remember when Eric Stonestreet, aka Cameron, won an Emmy for Best Supporting Actor last year? In his acceptance speech he said, “I am the product of supportive parents… Thank you, Mom and Dad.” You don’t hear that every day, especially from someone who aspired to be a circus clown when he grew up.

Parents often get a bad rap. Augusten Burroughs, Drew Barrymore, Oprah Winfrey, and countless others would not have the careers they have today if they hadn’t had dysfunctional parents. One could *almost* be jealous... There’s this funny New Yorker cartoon that depicts a young woman writing to her parents from college: “Dear Mom and Dad: Thanks for the happy childhood. You've destroyed any chance I had of becoming a writer.”

Happily, that’s not the case for me. I mean the part about becoming a writer! My parents have always been supportive of just about anything I wanted to do. (Including cutting my hair into an asymmetrical, bleached bob in the ’80s. What’s THAT about?!)

My mom saves all my articles and constantly sends me essays she thinks I might like. Actual paper clippings from the NYT and stuff! And they say print journalism’s dead… My dad encouraged me to keep going with my blog when my spirits were flagging after 5 years and no semblance of Dooce-like fame and fortune. (Scoff all you want. Name me a blogger who doesn’t have delusions of grandeur… or at least page views in the triple digits.) For Christmas and birthdays, they even help send me to conferences. Because that’s TOTALLY equivalent to the flannel nightgown and sweatshirt I got them from TJ Maxx. ;)

But listen: it wasn’t all a big love-fest growing up. We’re a normal family. As I’ve said, my parents NEVER tire of talking about how horrible my teenage years were. I would apologize, but in my defense my dad DID wear Birkenstocks with socks and my mom made horrible bean soups that she would force us to eat. (Take THAT, Augusten Burroughs!) And did I ever tell you about the time my mom sent me to swimming lessons topless and my dad forgot to pick me up at gymnastics?

Wait, wait. I’ve gotten off track. What I MEANT to say was, my parents are awesome. I have several friends who are jealous that I have such fun, interesting parents who like to take us out for expensive dinners when they’re in town. I’ve learned to appreciate them more the older I get and, of course, since I’ve become a parent myself. I guess that’s the best a mom or dad can hope for, right?

I read an interesting article in Reader’s Digest by Clayton M. Christensen recently, called “The Bottom Line on Happiness,” in which he discusses the importance of prioritizing family over career:

“Our careers provide the most concrete evidence that we’re moving forward. You ship a product, finish a design, close a sale... In contrast, investing time and energy in your relationships with your spouse and children typically doesn’t offer that same immediate sense of achievement. Kids misbehave every day. It’s really not until 20 years down the road that you can say, ‘I raised a good son or daughter.’”

Or, I would add, for that son or daughter to say, “I was raised by good parents.” So thanks, Mom and Dad! I am what I am today because of you. Bet you’d be a little more impressed if this was an Emmy acceptance speech, huh?