This Confusing World of Ours

Why do we peel and eat oranges, but slice and scoop grapefruit? Why do we eat Cheddar cheese in cubes, use a spoon for cottage cheese, and spread cream cheese with a knife? They’re all cheese!! And what’s up with eating French toast with a fork but regular toast with our hands? Come to think of it, who came up with the idea of stabbing your food with a tiny pitchfork and then putting this sharp utensil into your mouth? I’ve been looking at life through the eyes of my 2-year-old and, I’ve gotta admit, it’s confusing.

Setting aside the whole food issue, let’s look at reading material. Miles sees me tear recipes out of magazines, yet I yell at him for ripping the pages of his books. In those books, there are pictures of things that look remarkably similar, yet have entirely different names. What’s the difference between a frog and a toad? I don’t know. I started to look it up on Wikipedia and zoned out when I encountered phrases like “convergent adaptation” and “taxonomy.” And I’m sorry, I know that apes are primates and monkeys are … different, but I’m just going to go ahead and call them all monkeys for simplicity’s sake, OK? Hopefully Miles’ future high school biology teacher can clear things up for him.

Some other things that must be confusing from a kid’s point of view: crab cakes (“You call this CAKE?”), urinals, and smoking. Miles associates smoke with flames and flames with fire trucks. And fire trucks are emergency vehicles that rush to the scene of a blaze to put out the fire and rescue people. So what must he think when he sees someone walking around with a cigarette, producing smoke from their FACE?

My friend T. and I were at a coffee shop recently, and one of the employees went outside for a smoke break. He chose to stand in front of the one window DIRECTLY in front of the kids’ play area. Of course the boys were riveted. Super. As T. said, watch them take up smoking later and blame it on this incident from their childhood. (BTW, did you know that Barack Obama is a smoker? It’s true, Google Image it. I have to say, that’s disappointing. You know, role models and all that…)

Speaking of “do as I say, not as I do,” I became distinctly aware of adults’ hypocrisy when I started teaching Miles about sharing and taking turns. We went skiing one time, and I saw all these signs posted about proper lift-line etiquette. “Do they really need to tell people that?” I thought to myself. Then, wouldn’t you know it, a pack of rough-looking snowboarders cut in front of us. Nice example, guys.

As for sharing, that presents some sticky situations as well. Let’s say a homeless person asks you for money in front of your kids. (Kids young enough to be aware but too young for a lecture on socioeconomic issues.) When Miles has a snack and another kid wants some, I usually urge him to share. And yet there I am with a handful of change for the parking meter and I don’t share it with the homeless guy?

Am I a parent or a walking contradiction? I become less and less sure each day. Just like I was uncertain of how to respond to Miles’ question at lunch today, when he asked if he could eat a lime. “No, it’s not one of the edible citrus fruits, except for the juice and sometimes a twist of the rind in certain adult beverages?” I went with “It’s yucky.”

READ O’ THE WEEK: How to Fit a Car Seat on a Camel is a hilarious collection of stories about traveling with children. As you might guess, vomit plays a pivotal role in several selections.