Month 1: All Wet

Miles turned one month old last weekend. If I had to pick one word to sum up his first weeks of life it would be “pee.” That’s right, pee. Tinkle. Urine. This is one leaky kid. On the upside, he’s clearly not dehydrated. We know the plumbing’s working. On the downside, he goes through a load of laundry and easily a dozen diapers a day. I began to wonder if perhaps we had picked up a faulty batch of Pampers at Sam’s Club. Those suckers were doing absolutely nothing to contain the pee. Then again, neither did the Huggies or the Target brand diapers we tried.

Nearly every evening, C. would come home from work, pick up the baby, and cry out, “Ah! He got me!” lifting Miles to reveal a large damp spot on his shirt where the baby’s butt had been. We took to using a cloth diaper as a protective barrier between the baby and any surface at all times. Sometimes, I didn’t even bother to put clothes on him.

One night C. came running when he heard a blood-curdling shriek. He was sure I’d dropped the baby. It was worse. Miles had peed IN HIS OWN FACE. How could such a bizarre and horrific act be possible, you might ask? I’ll tell you. I was changing his diaper (for the billionth time that day) and had lifted up his ankles to slide the clean diaper underneath him. Apparently, this positioned his pee producer at the exact angle of his face, because the next thing I knew I heard a hiss and a splutter. I looked up to find the baby blinking and dripping with a stunned expression on his wet little face. The horror!

I polled all my mom friends, who came to the same conclusion: It’s a boy thing. Somehow, that tiny little firehose just can’t be controlled when they’re this young. It’s not clear whether it’s due to the force of the pee stream, too-loose diapers, or too-skinny thighs, but somehow, the urine escapes the diaper every time.

And where it comes out is a mystery. You’d think the pee would leak out the front of the diaper, right? Wrong. The wet spot is nearly always on the back or side of the baby’s clothes. How is that even possible?! Once, the pee followed a curved trajectory all the way up the back to the baby’s neck! Baffling.

One friend suggested pointing our baby boy’s, er, “equipment”down instead of allowing it to point up. C. was horrified. “We will do no such thing!” he exclaimed. Nor would he allow the use of what he deemed a humiliating product called The Pee-Pee Teepee. (Picture a mini party hat.) I couldn’t bring myself to do it, anyway. Instead, I tried folding the diaper every which way as if attempting to fashion an origami bird. Tuck the flaps under, fold them out, cinch the velcro tighter. Nothing worked. I resigned myself to a soggy future with my firstborn.

Then, miraculously, the font of pee subsided. Now Miles goes through two, maybe three outfits a day, tops. Once he even made it till dinnertime in the same onesie. I think it’s partly because his thighs have chubbed up and fill out the diapers’ leg holes better. He’s also now wearing a bigger, presumably more absorbent, size. Of course, now we’ve moved on to spit-up. Can someone please hand me a burp cloth?