Week 23: Up to My Ears in Baby Gear

A baby requires more gear than an expedition up Mount Everest. Not only do you need a crib, changing table, bassinet, rocking chair, and playpen, you also apparently need a highchair, a stroller, a baby carrier, an infant car seat, a convertible car seat, a bouncy seat, and a swing (motorized, with six speeds and 15 musical selections). And that’s not even counting all the diapers and clothing and bedding and bathing and breast-feeding paraphernalia.

Now, I know you may be thinking what I was thinking: Surely babies don’t need ALL this stuff. I mean, there are tribes in Africa that raise their children with no other accoutrements than a homemade baby sling fashioned out of a sarong.

But here in the U.S., as any experienced parent will tell you, you not only need all this stuff, but you would be willing to sacrifice an organ rather than live without it. At least, this is what my friend T. told me as we were wandering the aisles of Babies R Us, scanner in hand. Yes, when you register for baby gear at these places, they set you loose with a multi-page checklist of “must-haves” for new parents and a scanner so you can zap any piece of merchandise your little heart desires.

I didn’t get any further than the diaper-pail aisle when I froze up. Did I want the Diaper Genie, which turns dirty diapers into magical, stink-free, hermetically sealed sausages? Or should I go with the plain old diaper pail that looks like a regular kitchen trashcan? T. and I examined the inner workings of a few models while she pointed out that some contained no form of odor-shielding apparatus – a crucial feature, for obvious reasons – and others required special, extremely expensive refills. Do you know how many diapers a newborn goes through in a day? Four or five? Maybe six? Try TWELVE, people!! At that rate, the money we’d spend on the diaper pail refills would burn through the kid’s college fund in a few months flat. So I went with the basic model.

It got a little easier as we moved on to the other aisles. Digital thermometer – zap! Baby bathtub – zap! Highchair – zap! Baby Bjorn – zap! I stalled again when faced with the swings and bouncy seats. Surely I wouldn’t need both. Most of these contraptions are the size of major kitchen appliances, not to mention rather gaudy. But T. remarked that while the swing was guaranteed to lull her daughter to sleep, only the portable bouncy seat would do for trips to Grandma’s. Fine. Zap! Zap!

I nearly had a meltdown when we got to the strollers, though. Talk about too many choices. And I’m not even referring to colors and fabrics. There are umbrella strollers, jogging strollers, reclining strollers, ultra-light strollers, and “travel systems.” That’s the marketing term for these all-in-one thingies that include an infant car seat that snaps onto a stroller, which folds up to fit in a car trunk.

See, the idea is that this one stroller will accommodate your child when she’s an infant and then convert into a toddler stroller, all the while providing you with nifty features like rain canopies, under-seat storage, and cup holders. But here’s the catch – this convenient “system” weighs more than most 10-year-olds. The thing is HEAVY, and that’s without an actual human baby in it!

Speaking of which – side note – I am beginning to feel ridiculously heavy myself. My body is not used to carrying a 20-lb. bowling ball strapped to its front. At least, I’m assuming that’s where the extra 20 lbs. has settled, since the rest of me looks about the same and the baby only weighs about 1 lb. at this point. Anyway, it’s starting to get a little uncomfortable, walking around, sleeping, and digesting with this large weight resting just above my belt. Best not to think about what month nine holds in store …

So, back to the baby gear. Not only is most of this stuff heavy, unwieldy, and garishly colored, it’s also EXPENSIVE. Of course, the idea of registering is that other people will buy it for you. (You know, the same people who shelled out for that platinum-rimmed Waterford wedding china that’s now gathering dust in your dining room.) But why go broke giving someone a six-speed motorized swing when you could just get a cute onesie and a pack of bibs and be done with it?

Odds are, we’re going to end up purchasing most of this stuff ourselves, however impractical it may be to fork over $90 for a mass-produced baby carrier we’ll only use for three months. That homemade African sling’s starting to sound pretty good. I wonder if it comes with a lumbar support attachment?